Over and over people say the same thing to me, "Owen won't remember the surgeries" or "It's great that you are getting this over with now, when he won't remember" or "Thank God, they don't remember". And I agree, wholeheartedly. I am thrilled that he won't remember what he has been through in the last 1 1/2 years of his life. I would not want him to remember. However, he certainly knows now. How it will affect or not affect him, none of us are privy to. I don't know in my own child and you don't know in yours because you can't say for sure how they would have been had these things not happened. We do know, or for those of you who have asked your children whether or not they remember, that he won't be able to recall this specific memory.
But it has to be affecting him in some way or another.
Owen is forming, growing, exploring, expanding his horizons. We teach our kids how to speak by showing them things and repeating things, we teach them how to love by telling them, hugging them, kissing them. We give them experiences and if they love them, we do it again. Holidays come once a year. They don't remember it at Owen's age, but soon enough, as it draws near, they know and they look forward to it. Kids become conditioned. Part of Owen's experiences are hospitals, surgery, and pain. And he does remember now. He is conditioned. Every time someone with scrubs walks in he hides his eyes, begins to cry, or pretends to be asleep. Soon enough, he may know that other things indicate that he is about to experience something painful- seeing a landmark on our drive to Philly, checking into the Ronald McDonald House, entering the parking garage at CHOP.
He won't remember his second VEPTR surgery on 10-4-11. But he may remember that these other things indicate pain and suffering. He may recall he has been here before and it's not a happy place. He may know that it's going to hurt.
I worry that during this time of his life when he is experiencing so many new things, that his ability to cope or how he handles painful situations are being affected. Maybe he will be better suited to deal with unpleasant things in life because he has had all this practice. Or maybe not. Maybe he will be more fearful of things or worry more than my other children. I don't know. I do know as I watch him go through this, as he refuses to look at Nick or I or when he closes his eyes every time someone comes in the room as some sort of avoidance technique, that this is going to take it's toll.
But, at least he won't remember.
