Events of the week...

Owen is up 1 1/2 pounds! Yay!!! That pound and a half was hard work mind you! He had to eat butter, olive oil, meat-3x per day, rice cereal at every feeding, have more formula for each ounce of water, eat ice cream, whipped cream and pumpkin pie. Whoo hoo! Now we just have to keep this (horrendous, but yummy) diet up until he is a chunker like his little brother Caleb. I could not be more thrilled.

We have our MRI this coming week. Please send good vibes, prayers, thoughts, whatever you do, please. Anesthesia makes me nervous. Its one of the drawbacks of my profession. I know what can potentially go wrong. So I worry, have anxiety and earn myself a few gray hairs over it. (Ha, no you cannot tell, because I dye it.) We will be at CHOP in the PICU overnight and a lot of people say there is no better place to be. I am trying to find comfort in that.

As you all know, its Halloween. The babies are being Thing 1 and Thing 2 and Gavin is being the Cat in the Hat. Its going to be precious. As soon as I have pictures, I will post them on shutterfly (link can be found to the right of this post).

Aunt Patty is here visiting and she is meeting the babies for the first time. It should be a fun weekend.

Week one of dieting was not fun. I was cranky a lot and fell off the wagon (not the cheese wagon, the cookie wagon). Why is it that on my first diet week, everyone in my office bought cookies? So I had some. And then I felt bad. I did good though for the most part. Ate my lettuce. Are more lettuce. Ate even more lettuce and realized, I am hungry. So, I ate lettuce and other things, like soup or whole wheat pasta covered in veggies. Here are some things I learned this week: 1) I do not need 2 cups of pasta, like I thought. I can eat 1 cup of whole wheat pasta covered in my peppers, onions, spinach and olives and its more than enough food, 2) If you eat more than one 100 calorie pack at a time, it defeats the purpose, so needless to say, I am done with those, 3) A skinny latte with sugar free caramel syrup goes far at 3pm, 4) I can live without cheese. I may not like it, but I can do it, and lastly, 5) I don't need to sautee things in half a cup of olive oil. 2 teaspoons is plenty if you mix it well.

Happy Halloween!!!!

Stop that train and farewell queso, I loved you so.

All we have done is eat in the last few weeks. We have been to family functions, friends homes, parties, and gatherings. We have hosted one or two of these and all we do is eat. For example, Friday night we went to a Halloween party. We ate. Saturday, we went to Madisons 7th birthday party. Again more eating. Yesterday, we went my cousins home with my sisters and my cousins and all the significant others. We ate and ate and ate. In the last three days, I personally can say, I have eaten brownies, mozzarella sticks, cookies, pie, cake, cheese, cheese, cheese, dip, crackers, bread, more cheese. Hot cheese, cold cheese. Throw in some olives, roasted peppers and a few veggies for good measure and I am stuffed. Now add to that the beer, wine and champagne mixers that were oh so delicious, and well I feel gluttonous. I feel disgusting. I don't usually tell anyone when I am going on a "diet". Failure looms too close. I don't want to show up at family parties or the holidays and have people looking at my plate trying to determine if I have fallen off the wagon. I don't want to have to explain that I ate salad all week, I swear I did, so I am entitled to this full plate of cookies! But I woke up yesterday morning, I looked down at a belly that I have not had in 12 years, put on pants that are a size that I have not worn in 12 years and I almost lost my shit. I feel horrendous. Yes, yes, I know, I just had twins, and a c-section, and I have no time, and I have this whole new life on my hands, and.... I get it. I currently have every excuse in the book to drown my sorrows in food. And I have been, I assure you. But this life isn't getting any different anytime soon, so I have to stop now or else this will get out of control.

I have never been small and my struggles with my weight have been life long. When I was younger I weighed a lot. When I was in college, I weighed one hundred pounds less than I did at 17. It took years to lose 100 lbs. I had to change what I ate, I had to drink water for a living. I had to give up cheese. If you don't understand my love affair with cheese, please see the above paragraph and what I ate for the last 3 days. Eventually, I had to exercise. And it wasn't fun, but I remember thinking that once I got used to it, it wasn't the hardest thing I had ever done. Now one happy relationship, two kids, control over my own fridge and having such a passion for cooking has left me watching the scale climb back up that steep mountain.

Its time for a change. And maybe the blog will help me. Perhaps telling all of you that I am going to make some food changes and that I am going stop this train before it becomes a train wreck will help me stay motivated. I need motivation. We are going into the holiday season now. It starts with a milky way on October 31 and it ends in gravy smothered mashed potatoes in December. I need to get control.

If you have ideas (short of "stop eating" because we all know that isn't going to work) please feel free to comment. I am sadly giving up cheese for the most part. With the exception of feta, parmesan and cottage cheese, I am bidding adieu. I realize that using mozzarella as a way to cure my woes, is not only not working, but its making me more miserable.

Good-bye mozzarella, my salty, melty, stringy friend. One day I will know how to consume you in moderation. Until then, I must never taste you.

Good-bye American cheese. You are the only grilled cheese I love. I will miss our hot buttery sandwiches on picnic night. It will never be the same.

Good-bye provolone (picante of course), you, some roasted peppers, shredded lettuce and tomato on a roll covered in italian dressing. Perfection. However, I no longer can do this. What you have single handedly done to my ass, is just wrong.

Anyway, besides giving up the cheese, I am living on lettuce. Not really, but if I can eat a big, but interesting salad every day for lunch with a small cup of some sort of bean or vegetable soup, then I will have had a healthy and satisfying lunch. By interesting, I do not mean covered in bacon bits and ranch, I mean veggies and nuts and I will make my own dressing devoid of mayonnaise. Yogurt and fruit for breakfast or Kashi cereal with milk and berries. And hello splenda and fat free half and half.

Dinners are my real issue. I am a vegetarian. Nick is not, although he is willing to eat very little meat, he does need chicken and fish and so do the babies. I need vegetarian friendly, low fat, meat-eater satisfying meals that can be done quickly! Ha, I think I just asked for the impossible! If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am willing to try anything.

In addition, I am working on my "party plan". A way to fill my plate with the healthy stuff and not go back for the cheese, dips and desserts. A plan to take just one and have that be satisfying. Again, tips and advice are welcome.

I am done for now, but I will be back to update my life with lettuce!

October Updates...

I figure I better update, before its November and I have lost sight of October. (See my previous entry). Anyway, so this month we have had our meeting with the nutritionist, a barium swallow test, a new dietitian (I will explain why we have a nutritionist and a dietitian shortly), a pre-anesthesia appointment, a meeting with the orthopedist and an upcoming pulmonology meeting.

Basically, the nutritionist and I met a couple of times and she suggested that my child is hungry and that I am not feeding him enough. I brought him to her office when he was hungry on purpose. I timed his feeding so that he would take his bottle in front of her so that she could observe his eating. I journaled his food and bottle intake for more than a week. I charted other Escobar kids weight gains from birth to 2. And stupid me, apparently. She took his hunger to mean that I was not feeding him enough, that I am clearly not giving him what he needs and explained that since he is so hungry he is expending energy being hungry which is burning calories. In addition, she explained that feeding tubes are easier and could not understand my resistance to such an idea. Where to begin with this woman. First of all, Owen is not hungry. I am not even going to explain how much he eats because I refuse to feel like I have to explain myself here. He eats, he is not hungry. End of story. She refused to listen to me about how he gets exercise from therapy, he cries the entire time and he has Escobar, which all could contribute to his lack of weight gain. She put my chart in a folder and gave me back my food journal. No other consideration was given to reason. The answer has to be that I don't feed him enough. When I suggested an increase in his formula to water ratio, she said that wasn't going to help. When I suggested duocal, a supplement that bumps up the calories, she said that wouldn't help. And when I explained to her my feelings on feeding tubes and why I did not think that was the best option, she said I seemed a little excitable. I smiled and left. We no longer have appointments with her. The last thing I need are doctors that are making me excited.

The only reasonable thing she did do was order a swallow test for Owen. As I suspected, Owen swallows fine. I may seem a bit "know it all" here, but honestly, Owen is my job right now. I take knowing his situation so seriously that I do know A LOT. I do not know it all. However, when you are unwilling to do the research, or even listen to what I see and do every day with this child, its clear, I know more than you and we will not be continuing our relationship.

In the meantime, Early Intervention cleared us for a dietitian. She came over to the house and you should just hear the things that Owen can eat. Butter or olive oil with every meal. Condensed milk, ice cream, heavy cream, avocado, whipped cream. He may have mashed potatoes with cream and butter. He has a diet from heaven! Seriously, its felt very unnatural to feed him this way and I asked her if I could potentially be setting him up for a heart attack later. She assured me that I wasn't and that babies need much more fat and our goal is to get them to double and triple their weight in the first year. So I relaxed and now Owen is smacking his lips at his rice cereal, chicken, and sweet potatoes topped with melted butter. And he was weighed yesterday, between his 6 month check up and now he has gained 13 ounces, so I am suspecting by next weeks pediatrician appointment, he will have gained a pound!

As for orthopedics, his foot is recurring and that's not good. She suspects its the tethered spine. A long time ago (June) when we had a full-body MRI for Owen, they said he has a borderline tether. In light of the way his foot keeps recurring, she is pretty sure its tethered and it will have to be released in order to continue to fix his feet and for them to remain corrected. This will also have to be done prior to the VEPTR surgery which they think will happen in December of next year. We will get confirmation of the spine at the MRI in Philly, at CHOP on 11/2.

And lastly, we had our pre-anesthesia appointment yesterday for the MRI. Owen has to go under general anesthesia for the MRI and because of the apnea, he will have to be intubated in the OR, they will bring him to the MRI. He will have the study. They will bring him back to the PICU and then we will stay overnight for observation. They have to watch the breathing because of the lungs. So another overnight in Philly. I hate that we have to be away from Gavin and Caleb, but better safe than sorry.

Ok, that's all I got for now. More updates to come!

Trying to find balance in the craziness...

This first year of being a special needs mom is, for lack of a better word, crazy. Add twins to the mix and its insane. Add one well-meaning, high-energy, bright, attention-requiring 5 year old and I am thinking we have reached certifiable. Now add lawyer, wife, sister, daughter, friend and dog owner and I am pretty sure I can hear the sirens of the truck coming to take me off to the looney bin. One straight-jacket please. I welcome some time in a padded room! Seriously.

I have spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out how to balance all of these things and try to find some time for myself. I don't do anything for me anymore. Not a pedicure, not walking, not Saturday afternoon naps. I don't have time and when I do, there are other things that are more important. And yes, I could probably skip the cleaning one Saturday, but when Caleb is chewing on a mouthful of dog hair because I did not clean, someone is going to look at me like I am a bad mother and I would prefer not to deal with that. Not to mention, I am short on patience, so when that disapproving look crosses that persons face, I am bound to go off.

So back to balance. Seeing as I have never been so busy in my life, I would like to have some of this. Time management at its best. I hate to reduce life to appointments in my calendar, but it seems its necessary. That's how I make it to all of our appointments, my court appearances, our social engagements. So now I need to figure out how to pencil in some "me" time and since I am feeling self-indulgent, some "Nick and Sara" time too. Our social worker agrees. She has even requested that Nick and I receive "respit" from Early Intervention. Time where they pay someone to watch our children so that we can get a break and get out of the house. We just need to find the person. The brave soul who wants to watch all three of them, for whatever hourly wage the county is paying.

Its so easy to get lost in this new life. To let go of everything that I like to do and want to do because I am needed by my kids, my disabled son, my husband, my job. So I think, I will pencil me in. And when we find out more about the "respit" situation, I will pencil us in. I will make and keep appointments for me and us to have time to do some of the things that we need to do for ourselves. I think its impossible to have balance otherwise and to feel like a human.

My babies are growing...

at an alarming rate. They are 6 months old now (6mo, 1wk) and its going too fast. Maybe I am panicking because these are quite possibly my last children. Not definitely, but after the last few years, its safe to say they are my last for a good while. And they are rushing things! I have been looking at them over the last few days and they are big. Not only are they big, but they are doing stuff. Just minutes ago, they would curl up on my chest and nap. They were warm and sweet and exhaustion took over their little bodies and they would sleep for hours on me. Now, we fight to get them to sleep. We rock, bop, dip and twist them into sleep. We negotiate. We take little hands out of little mouths and put pacifiers in to do just that, pacify them. And they no longer sit still. Even Owen (which honestly is good news, but still, can't someone stay a baby?). If I left Caleb on any piece of furniture, it would be gross negligence on my part. And just this morning, I took for granted that I could leave Owen and there he was trying to roll himself off the couch. They want to go somewhere. I want them to stay still. Or for time to stay still. Soon their toothless grins will be littered with little white teeth sprouting up. I love them without teeth. Never again will you find a toothless grin so endearing. The next time you see it on a person, they are generally fairly old and its not so cute. Same for drool. And I realize that this all makes me sad. Gavin is a couple months shy of 6 and it snuck up on me. How dare he grow up? And why is the natural progression of things such that children become less affectionate with time? Gavin loves me to death, but is annoyed when I want to hug for more than a split second. Although, this morning and some mornings when he crawls in bed with me after his dad gets up to shower, I pretend to sleep and he snuggles up like he is little and plays with my hair. If he knew I was awake, he wouldn't do it or would ask me to get up and get him something, so this works out well.

I love all the next stages that the babies will go through. I don't mean to say that I don't like teeth, or eating cheerios off of a high chair tray or those first steps. I love those too. But I wish time would take its time. I wish that I could guarantee all of these memories or moments would be imprinted on my brain.

I remember wishing I was older all my life. I couldn't wait to be a big kid and now I am watching my own kids feel that way. I hear my parents telling me to slow down, enjoy where you are now and I pressed on. I wish I could tell my boys that in hindsight, I wish I slowed down. Not for me, but for my parents who were probably wishing it wasn't going so fast.

September updates...

I have not wrote in a couple of weeks because I have been working on an entry about the weddings and how could I possibly write without mentioning the weddings, as they were two of the biggest things that happened this year for us. However, I can't quite get out what I want to say, so I figured I would update and when I am finished with my recap, I will post it. So stay tuned.

In life other than the weddings, things have seemed pretty hectic. I suppose they are just as hectic as usual, but with school starting and Nick and I both working and the amount of therapies kicked up a notch, its just nuts.

We went for our sleep study last week in Philly. Sleep is pretty much the last thing that anyone got, however, if you are interested, this is what a sleep study is like. Remember those really old, black and white movies, where they are preparing someone for a lobotomy with the tin cap that's connected to a bunch of wires? Well its similar looking to that. We arrived in Philly to CHOP and went up to the sleep lab. Sleep lab translates to hospital room that is audio and video wired with infrared so that in the pitch black they can watch us all night. Ever been paranoid about what you look like when you are sleeping? I now have. (Ever felt the need to clarify just who it was that passed gas because it wasn't you and you know they are listening??? Me too.) Anyway, they attached around 40 nodes to Owen, on his head, eyebrows, neck, chin, chest, and legs. They put the nose tubes in, they have the heart rate monitors on. They wrap his entire head and chin in gauze until he looks like a head trauma patient and then they say, go to sleep. Ha. Owen managed to sleep for 3 hours that night and Nick and I, maybe 2 hours. Once Owen realized that he was going to hemmed up like this for the long haul, he said "Game on." The game being, I am not going to sleep and neither are you. As you can imagine around 3-4am after being up most of the night and being severely frustrated, Nick and I actually tried to catch an attitude with each other in hushed tones and clenched teeth. We can laugh about it now. But miraculously, they swear they got 5 hours worth of sleep from Owen (Yeah, maybe in 10 minute incremets.) And we can be thrilled that its over and under our belt.

Yesterday we had our pediatrician appointment. Caleb weighs in at 16lbs 12oz and Owen at 11lbs and 7 oz. Owen is up 10 ounces. Still this is not enough. I am just so frustrated by this. I work on Owen eating constantly. This weekend, I got him to take a 6 ounce bottle. He loves eating cereal and fruits and veggies. His favs are bananas, sweet potatoes and turkey. He hates peas and chicken. I do this like its my job and it is. I (and Nick) feed both babies all day. I mean ALL DAY. So, to hear that we are headed for a feeding tube, is upsetting. I am sure for those of you who read this, whose children have feeding tubes, I am being dramatic. But I just do not want one more additional thing to add to my plate. So, in my protest, we are now seeing the nutritionist who is looking into special formulas and we are having a barium swallow test done. I will keep you updated on the results of all.

In other news, Gavin loves first grade and this week, I am going to meet the teacher night and I cannot wait to see his class and check everything out. I love that he is so close to home and that he is home by 3. It really does make a difference. He has time to wind down, play and then when I get home, we are ready for homework, dinner, shower and cartoons.

Caleb is also great. He is funny. He has a sense of humor already and he loves to smile. It lights up my day. He is a chubster and I love to pretend to eat his thighs and he giggles away. Owen giggles too. I love hearing it. And we are big into raspberries lately. Playing with either one of them usually means you are getting spit on.

This weekend we are going to take G to his first karate class and on Sunday we are going apple picking. I cannot wait to take pictures in the pumpkin patch!

A day of appointments...

Today we had a bunch of appointments. Its going to be this way for a while. I have Mondays off to deal with all of Owens things and today was a full day. First we had the cardiologist. We needed clearance for the real-time MRI because it requires general anesthesia. We had an EKG and a Echo and everything is great. His heart is pushed over a bit, but functionally, its fine. So we have our clearance. I have learned that nothing inside of Owen is exactly where yours or mine is, so it no longer bothers me to hear, but initially, when I would hear that his organs or bones were in a different place than they should be, it really bothered me.

We then had our ortho appointment and of course, his foot is trying to regress. She wants to start casting him again next week, but if we can stretch him (just for a minimum of an hour a day and three if we can swing it) then maybe we can keep the brace on. Ha. We stretch Owen, but an hour a day is quite hard and three is damn near impossible. I am wondering when I have an hour a day. Yeah, I got an hour a day, its just on the train on my way to work. I am not sure thats going to work. Needless to say, Nick and I will each find a half hour and get the hour in.

We had all our therapies today. At OT we got new elbow braces and a new knee brace for the leg thats been casted. We had a great therapy session and when we got home we had our EI therapy and our therapist stretched his foot for an hour.

At 6:30, the counselor or social worker came and it was my idea to have her, but we like her and I think she will help us with Gavin. Plus, I don't think it will hurt to have someone to chat with given the whole situation.

I spend so much time telling everyone how okay everything is and generally it is (see?) however, its also really really hard. Its not always okay. Its crazy sometimes and not just because of Owen, because we have twins, because we have three kids, because we have one disabled child, because its just really hard. Its hard for any family who has a baby or is adding a baby to their family. Its harder when its twins. Its even harder when one is disabled. Needless to say, I think the counselling aspect of things is a good idea.

In other news, Gavin started first grade and so far loves it. Tonight was our first night of homework and I remembered how much I hate kid homework. Why do they get homework so early in life? Is it for the parents? Last I checked, I completely understood the role of the letter "c", not only in my life, but in life in general. Anyway, the homework is done and tomorrow for the first time ever, Gavin will buy lunch. He is so excited about getting to choose chocolate milk over plain milk. Ah, the simple things.

Caleb is one minute away from crawling. I beg him daily to just stay immobile for a few more months, but he is trying his hardest not to listen. That child has the nerve to get on his hands and knees and rock forward and backward. And if that does not get him anywhere (and I promise it does) he uses his hands to pull and his knees and feet to push until he has made his way across a bed and now the floor. So, soon enough I will be baby-proofing, which to me means throwing out a bunch of crap so we can move all the valuable crap to where that was. Again, I beg him daily to hold off on this for obvious reasons.

And its Nicks birthday today! He is 32. Since it was such a crazy doctor day and he worked, we celebrated yesterday. I made fish tacos (his fav), mole chicken tacos and shredded beef tacos with all the fixins and then plum cake and mexican hot chocolate cupcakes from scratch. We had a few people over and drank a few beers and celebrated. It was a good time.


Okay, okay, enough already! Talk soon.

The first day of first grade...

I could not help but feel excited when Gavin woke up for school this morning. He was excited and almost different. Maybe bigger. He came down his loft bed in his new "night before the first day of school" pajamas and he seemed all grown up. He asked how long he had to wait before we left. An hour. He did not want to watch cartoons. He wanted to eat breakfast, wash up and play with his brothers. We had picked his clothes out last night and he was ready. He has his new bookbag packed and his lunch in order. We discussed grown up things, like whether he would need a water bottle so he wouldn't be thirsty all day and how many flash cards he had to practice when he got home today. Only 6 words today, which apparently is okay, because if it were "like twenty, I would be mad." Again, he seemed grown up.

We walked hand-in-hand to his school and he was assessing the playground from afar. Many days over the summer he asked me if he was allowed to play there yet. And for the first time, today I could say yes. We entered the building and now I had first day jitters, for its my first day too. My first day for my boy being in first grade. My first day of leaving him at a new school. My first day for leaving him in public school. I went to public schools all my life. They seemed normal. Not huge, not daunting, not anything but the norm. However, Gavin has attended Catholic school for the last two and half years. One pre-K class, one kindergarten, one of every grade. So this seemed huge to me. There were just so many kids.

We found our way to the playground which was crawling with kids of all ages and he wouldn't let me go. I think he wanted me to play on the jungle gym too. But eventually he left my side in favor of the rock climbing apparatus. He never took his eyes off of me. I searched the place for a familiar face and I could not find one. I felt myself tearing up. Its too big. There are so many kids. What if he doesn't make friends, what if he feels lost. I imagine, he will. When you are as cute as Gavin and you have been in a tiny school with one of each grade, there is not a day where the 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls are not fawning over you. Now there are 6 first grade classes, you are bigger and you have started loosing teeth. Needless to say, its going to be a little different.

Eventually, I noticed people were starting to wander to the four corners of the playground. Thankfully a woman walked up to me and said, "Uh-oh, you look lost." I laughed and asked where Ms. Nasti was (yes, that is her name) and was pointed in the right direction. Gavin and I both had sweaty palms (I'd like to say his was from nerves and mine was from holding his hand, but I would probably be lying) as I brought him to line up with his class. I looked around one more time and saw a neighbor and then another, and thought to myself, now we are part of our community. I kissed my baby boy, who is getting all grown up and walked out of the playground, hoping for him that the first day of first grade is an amazing one.

TGIF and a few updates...

Really. Thank God its Friday. The weeks are going quite fast. My babies are 5 months old and my big boy is literally a week and a half from going into 1st grade. Not only that, but my sister-in-law gets married in one week!!!! And my sister gets married in three!!! So so so excited about the weddings,seeing family and friends and partying!!!!

This week we tentatively scheduled our sleep study at CHOP for September 23-24. I say tentatively because Dr. Campbell is out of the country for most of September, so we are waiting to see if he can see us on the 24th. Otherwise, if there is a better date for him, we will move it.

Owen has gained a little more weight. He is 10lbs, 13.7ozs. I am quite proud of him, although our docs are not all that thrilled and they want us to see a nutritionist. There was mention of a G tube but I am going to figure that was a mistake made when doctors were consulting with one another, because he is not having a G tube. He eats. A lot. He finished his bottles. He loves fruit and cereal and dislikes vegetables, like all children. Getting food down his throat is not the problem. Its getting his body to gain weight from the food that seems to be an issue. I am not seeing how a feeding tube will help that at all. I am not worried about it, I am not discussing it. Its just not happening and thats the end of that.

Other than that, we had our feeding/speech evaluation for EI. It went well. Not surprisingly, he has no speech delay. At this age, he isn't expected to do much and the very little he is expected to do (i.e. gutteral sounds) he is an expert at! Feeding is another issue, but again, it has nothing to do with getting the food down his throat. Its all about the tight musculature in his face and how he needs work on those muscles. We will get feeding therapy once a week. OT should be starting next week sometime and then we will have all of our therapy ducks in a row.

All in all, its been an eventful August and I am looking forward to September and all these family events and also getting into the routine of school and the babies and figuring out an action plan for Owen. I will keep you posted!

The Pulmonologist and other news

We met with the pulmonologist and all in all it was a good appointment. Owen does not appear to be in respiratory distress, which I knew but its nice to hear from the doctor. In addition, she thinks he looks great. She observed his breathing and did not see any sucking between the ribs or under the ribs until he was upset, which is pretty normal. She wants us to have a sleep study done and to look at the lungs on a dynamic (real-time) MRI but she thinks that he may need no breathing help or if anything, just a face mask (similar to Grandpa Joe's sleep apnea mask- think top gun) and only at night. The tests will monitor his oxygen and CO2 exchange and maybe everything will be just fine. I hope. I pray. It was a very positive appointment though. She does feel that Owen will need the VEPTR surgery, as he does not have much room around his left lung and she said that when babies like Owen are in such good shape, they want to treat him aggressively to give him a chance at a "cognitively" normal life. Neither Nick or I loved the phrasing she used, but we understand and both of us want Owen to have all the tools necessary for as "normal" of a life as possible. (Do any of you hate the term "normal" as much as I do? I hated it when we started talking about my sister with Downs and now I hate it even more. What's normal? Who is normal? Who is the judge of this standard? I digress..) Next stop on this flight....Philly.

As we suspected, we will be meeting Dr. Campbell in Philadelphia. We will have the sleep study done, the MRI and meet to discuss the plan, whatever it may be. I know Owen needs to get bigger and a little meatier, but the good news is that in the last month, Owen has gained almost ONE POUND!!!! I would have to say that the switch to a regular formula and the addition of cereal, fruits and veggies is working! This week, we add meat. I am so excited because hearing that he wasn't gaining was really weighing on me. I am so happy.

The geneticist called this week too. As odd as it is, Nick and I really do have the exact same mutation in the exact same spot. The diagnosis of lethal multiple pterygium syndrome (aka lethal escobar) sticks. I am surprised, but not upset. If we take care of Owens lungs and he continues to do as well as he is, then lethal Escobar is not so lethal for us and we are very lucky. Keep Owen in your thoughts and prayers anyway please.

I really feel so much better now that we met with the pulmonologist. I cannot wait to get the testing over with.

Its not easy to have a baby...

in general. People take for granted how easy it is to get pregnant and once you are pregnant, how easy it is for you to lose the baby. When I first started this blog, it was about our journey in having another baby. I had had two miscarriages in quick succession and I realized how little people spoke of such things. Besides my family (and Nicks mom and sister), I had one person I could talk to and I felt safe talking to her because I knew she had a miscarriage and no one else on this earth could imagine the pain. Plus, if you told people about the pregnancy, you feel a little like a freak of nature because one minute you were having a baby and your whole life, conversations, plans revolved around that and then one minute later...they don't anymore and everything has changed, even though nothing in life has changed except for this one humongous detail: you aren't pregnant anymore. You still go to work, you still run your errands, you still clean your house, talk to your friends, smile at the coffee lady but inside you are dying because you are not pregnant any more. And people do not know what to say and its understandable, but it hurts. You need space and time to grieve and time to cry and time to undo all those plans in your head. However, to the outside world, it was so early, so small, not a sure thing yet, these things happen, you can try again, you're young, you're healthy and medicine has come a long way, don't worry they can help you! And all you want, to your fullest extent capable, is that baby back now.

I am ok about my miscarriages but it took a long time to get here and the addition of the twins to my family. Ok meaning that I am no longer sad. If I think about it, it was a very sad time in my life. But I have gotten past it. I still feel a tug about knowing the second baby was a girl, but I have three sons and I believe I am supposed to be their mother and without the miscarriages, I would not be where I am today. Especially because of Owen. I am supposed to be Owens mom. I never thought then, as I went through them, that I would be here.

It does strike me as odd that as much as we do not talk about miscarriages openly (or some of us don't, apparently I do now) EVERYONE I know (you know) has a story. If not their mother, aunt, grandmother, then their best friend, their sister or themself. I am almost in shock at how often the topic crosses my path. In my personal life and in work. From friends and family to clients who potentially have a case stemming from or as a result of a miscarriage. It feels so incredibly common, yet people are hurting and hiding and not supporting one another through it because its so uncomfortable to talk about. Miscarriage is not taboo. It happens all the time. For genetic reasons, for health related reasons, for absolutely no reason.

Additionally, and especially for those who have tried to get pregnant, lost a pregnancy and then went through the agony of trying to get pregnant again without success or with success after much effort, its so hard to have a baby! Not for everyone of course. Lots of people concieve without even trying (I know this from experience). Kids get pregnant, people get pregnant and don't even know it. We have reality TV shows about it (Teen Mom and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant). However, lots of people try and try and use ovulation kits, trackers, basal temperature tracking, etc... to chase that egg down and attempt to successfully fertilize it by making your husband have sex with you on various days of various months on end. Yep, I did all of the above. And its not easy. It takes concentration, calculation, perserverance and the extremely powerful want for a baby. Others have it tougher than that: IVF, medications, surrogates, adoption. It is so hard. I feel like those of us who have gone through these things should write a self-help book. A guide to dealing with the inability to easily procreate, even though everyone in the world says and makes it look so easy and natural. Ha, this would be followed by my book: NO BREASTFEEDING ISN'T EASY, NATURAL OR FUN. (I have nothing against breastfeeding, I just did it for 4 months with twins. I am just saying its hard.)

Anyway, I guess thats long enough up on my soap box! Just something I have been thinking about.

Owens Ribs

A couple of weeks ago we had a chest x-ray for Owen. The orthopedist ordered this because Owen is not gaining weight fast enough and sometimes in Escobar babies, this happens because they have very small chest cavities and/or the scoliosis makes it difficult for them to breathe. In such a small baby, that effort to breathe causes them to expend a significant amount of calories thereby making his ability to gain weight a problem. We really were hoping that this would not be the case with Owen, but the doc called us yesterday and it is. Owens left lung does not have enough room and it needs to be fixed. We have to meet with the pulmonoligist on Thursday of next week. Today I have to make our appointments to go to CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philly) to meet with Dr. Campbell to have a real time MRI and sleep tests done to see what Owen's breathing capacity is. Depending on the results, we will be figuring out when we will schedule (or hopefully how long we can put off) surgery. The surgery is called VEPTR or the titanium rib project. We are fortunate enough to be able to meet with Dr. Campbell himself as he is the inventor of the titanium rib. Our ortho and our pulmonologist trained with him so one or both will assist in the surgery, whenever it may be. I feel a little defeated by all of this. Its huge surgery and once its done, every 6 months they will go in (surgically) and adjust it. I cannot tell you how badly I wish this wasn't the case. The doctor said, in terms of a lethal diagnosis, if anything were going to go wrong, it would be related to the lung and the difficulty breathing and therefore it must be fixed. I don't really have any positive thoughts or words on this. I am just upset. I don't know why this particular issue has me crying and so down, but I guess I felt like I was at my limit before this call came and now, I am certainly there. What my baby is going to have to face in these next few years is breaking my heart and I know I can't let him know that and I have to put on a brave face and be strong for Owen. I just have to find some strength because today I feel as though I have run out.

Dear Gavin,

I am sitting at work today missing you. I have been looking around my office at all your pictures. Pictures of you as an infant, pictures of you as a toddler, pictures of you now. Even pictures you have made me of us. I miss my boy. I miss you because I am physically away from you but also, I miss you and me the way we were before the babies. I miss scooby doo in bed every night. I miss going to all the kid movies with you. I miss driving you to school every morning and discussing all the important things in life, like which type of VW you will have when you are older and the importance of bird nests. Life is different now that the babies have arrived and I miss the little boy that I thought of as my baby. I know you are mad that you have to share us. I am sure when Alyson came along, I was pissed too. I know that 5 years was a long time to have both of your parents undivided attention, praise, hugs, kisses, cuddles, conversation. I know it must feel bad to watch us coo, kiss and cuddle with not just one baby, but two. I am not sure how to express to you that you have not been replaced. We added to our family because we love you so much and have loved being your parents so much that we wanted more of you. Babies just like you. It probably feels like you are getting yelled at a lot. It probably feels like mommy and daddy (moreso mommy) has no patience. I know it feels like all we ever do is ask you to put a pacifier in someones mouth and please hand us a spit rag and by the way, get out of Owen or Calebs face. I know. This is new for mommy and daddy too. We are learning how to be a family of 5, how to have 3 kids and how to attempt to divide our time between all of you. How to balance and keep things calm. How to operate on no sleep. We do not think you are bad or annoying. But I know that it must feel that way because you are five and you asked me if you are annoying. It broke my heart. You are not annoying. You are my baby, my heart, the first child of mine that I fell in love with. You are smart and handsome. Funny and imaginative. You are fiercly independent and equally dependent at the same time. You are like me. You are like your daddy. I am sorry for how tough this has been on you. I know you begged for a baby and you got two and one with many needs beyond the norm. I know its been a tough couple of years. But I promise that it will get easier and different. It will be more fun and we will all find our groove as a family. Its getting better already. I miss you little boy. I love you more than anything on earth. Nothing I have ever accomplished is as special or as worthwhile, as the day I had you.

Love you,
Mommy

Back to work and the plan for August

August is turning out to be a crazy month. Nick is home alone with the kids for this week and then the babysitter starts. I am looking forward to this because the twins need to get used to her and she needs to get used to them and everyone can do this while Nick is there to help. Nick can take Gavin to do some quality outings and Soledad (the babysitter) can attempt to get the twins on a schedule that works for her.

However, there a few kinks in the plan. Caleb has PT now on Tuesdays and Fridays when Owen does, so Nick is going to be bringing both babies to the city and Owen has many appointments. Besides our normal routine of casting, PT and OT, he has to see the eye doctor, have a chest x-ray, the neuro-muscular doctor and the pulmonologist. The neuro-muscular doc is pretty much a second opinion to make sure we are covering all of our bases and just to see if anyone else has any ideas that may help. The eye doc is to make sure his vision is fine and to see if the quality of muscle in that area can be assessed and the pulmonologist and chest x-ray is to make sure that his chest area is not too small causing issues for his lungs. The orthopedist wants us to check this out because he isn't gaining weight fast enough and she says that its possible if he is having a hard time breathing or is working hard to breathe then he could be burning a significant amount of calories which would be affecting his weight because he is so small. We shall see.

In other news, Owen had another tenotomy today. He is doing well. He is sore and cranky and I think he had a much harder time this time because he is bigger, older and just plain tired of this process. I am glad its over and hopefully this time we can achieve full correction and hopefully it won't recur at all or at the very least, as fast.

Tomorrow I am back to work. I am having such an issue with letting go of Owens appointments and being able to have that face to face time with his doctors and ask as many questions as I can. I know it will be good to get back to work and have a little time to myself. I know Nick can handle the appointments. I just wish I could be there. This has been my job for the last 4 months and its hard to just stop for the month of August.

And lastly, there is about 4 1/2 weeks until my sister-in-law gets married and 6 1/2 weeks until my sister gets married and I am so excited for them and for the weddings. I think both are going to be a great time. Besides having to shop for dresses for both (which after having twins, you can imagine, is a real downer) I am really looking forward to seeing two of my favorite people get married to two wonderful men. Its a very exciting time for our families. And I cannot wait to see my boys all dressed up.

A quick update...

The babies are 4 months! And in one month, Gavin goes to 1st grade. WTF??? Where did the time go? He was as small as the babies one minute ago. Life is moving so fast and I feel like I am the only one dragging my heels. I don't want my babies to get big yet. I need more time.

The biggest news of late... Caleb is sleeping through the night! Whoo hoo! But Owen is not. So while it feels like a big acheivement, its kind of bittersweet.

Owen went to the ENT and thankfully, we are all good. No hidden clefts or anything odd in this mouth, other than tightness due to the muscles in his face. He is currently being casted twice weekly and he has another tenotomy on Tuesday on his clubbed foot. He has been using his hands so much, its so amazing to see. He can move individual fingers and even reached for a toy hanging from the bouncy chair this week over and over. It was great. Such a proud moment for me! Owen is too sweet. Every time he looks at me he smiles. It melts my heart.

We had our 4 month appointment the other day and it turns out that Caleb has mild torticolis (meaning his neck is bent to one side because the muscles are too tight or short). Most likely this happened in the womb or because of his reflux. He found a relief position and he goes to it so often that the muscles tightened. Just what we needed. Lucky for us, this changes our schedule none and he will begin having PT on the same days Owen has PT. Hopefully this will be resolved soon because Caleb has no patience and is quite loud when screaming, so I forsee PT being a lot of fun.

Apparently, Owen is not gaining enough weight. Caleb is 13lbs, 6ozs and Owen is 9lbs 13.5ozs. So we have been cleared to start solids. We are on day three of rice cereal and we have tried pears and today sweet potatoes. They are so cute covered in baby food. I myself, don't enjoy being covered as much, but its a hazard of the job. I am not worried yet about his weight, because he eats a lot. 4ozs every 3-4 hours and sometimes a little more. I am not sure where the food is going, but I am just praying that its nothing more than him needing a little rice cereal in his life.

I am a few days away from going back to work. It was supposed to be Monday but then tenotomy was scheduled and so we have casting monday now and tenotomy on Tuesday. So Wednesday is my first day back. I am sad to be leaving the babies. I miss them already and their little smiley faces. I will enjoy adult conversation and an uninterrupted, hot cup of coffee, but still, they are my babies and I wish I could be with them.

Caleb is screaming and Owen is looking like he is on the edge, so I am off to feed them before bedtime (theirs and mine!). Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

What a weekend!

Its been a while, but I can honestly say that I had a great weekend. They haven't been bad or anything, just different with the constant baby juggle. But this weekend we got a peak at what life might be like as these two get a little bigger. We were able to clean the house in 3 hours, which may not sound like a great time to anyone else, but its insanely important to me and it had been taking 6-7 hours to get it done. 3 hours felt like old times! We went to Miss Emma Anderson's 1st birthday party and it was adorable. Emma was gorgeous with her white dress and her smile that just makes you melt. The twins were enjoyable and even napped in their stroller. We managed a trip to Stew Leonards which is one of my favorite places to shop. Literally. The vegetable aisle makes me happy. The herb cart makes me happy. The chiquita banana dancing makes me happy. We then went home where Erika was throwing Andy and Madison a birthday party and people held the babies all night. We drank some wine and relaxed. And for me, the best part of the weekend was yet to come! Sunday I got to go to the beach alone. Erika, Alyson and I packed our beach bags, our cooler and headed for Robert Moses State Park. We were on the beach, in our chairs, passing magazines to each other by 9am. I miss the ocean so much when I am away from it for too long. I love it so much and its always been the center of my summers. Going away to the beach, weekend trips to the beach, bbqs at the beach. I feel thankful that its easily accessible to me. We tanned and attempted to get in the water but it was freezing and rough, so we stayed about thigh high and tried to cool off. I sat and imagined what it would be like next year with the babies being 15 months old and Gavin trying to convince me he should be allowed in alone because he can let go of daddy in grammys pool. After the beach, I cooked a lobster dinner. Lobster (thanks to a sale at Stew's- $3.99 a lb) and farm corn, tomatoes, garlic butter and pesto potato salad. The whole thing just felt like summer!

A mothers guilt...

I know you have all felt it (well those of you with kids). Its the bad, guilty feeling that sets in once the child or in my case children are born and you are worried all the time that you are not meeting their needs. It can be small too, something along the lines of whether or not they are sitting in the car for too long with a wet diaper to am I holding Caleb too much and leaving Owen neglected. Oh wait, thats reserved for me, but you get the picture.

I worry a lot about whether Owens constant crying during casts or therapy will affect him negatively later in life. At the risk of sounding nuts, which if you know me, you know it happens from time to time, I actually worry if at that moment some ability to cope or something along those lines are forming in him and because he cried for his first 3 months on this earth, he will have issues later in life. Now, I have spoken to some moms who have been through this process and they assure me that that is not the case, but I do worry.

Lately I realize that I spend my day worried or feeling guilty really about everything. I have tons of guilt about Gavin. My relationship with Gavin is different now. Its currently centered a lot less around quality time and a lot more around "please get off the babies Gavin". I put him in summer camp. I did this because I cannot deal with the three of them alone all day. I feel guilt. Its probably better that he is in summer camp, busy playing, doing crafts, going to the sprinklers. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I put him in front of cartoons as a way to get a break. I let him eat more chips, cookies and crap than usual. We have to schedule alone time together.

I feel guilty about the babies. I leave Caleb home whenever I can because its easier to handle appointments with one baby rather than two. I sometimes turn the radio up in the car to drown out the crying babies. I accidently gave Caleb Owens formula causing him gas for a day and lots of crying. I want to put them for naps a lot. I sometimes do not want to be around them. Caleb can go in the pool and Owen can't because of the casts. I feel guilty.

I want to stop breastfeeding. Ha, that one right there causes us tons of tears. Everyone I know has had an emotional battle with breastfeeding. Whether they did, didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't. There is emotion behind it.

It may seem like this is confessional. But really, I am tired of feeling guilty. And I think it sucks that moms are plagued with these feelings after giving birth. No ones needs are completely being met when you have a new baby. Not yours, your husbands or your other childrens. Its a huge adjustment. Despite the rumors, I am not superwoman. I am just doing the best I can. Sometimes I freak out and cry or scream or put the babies in the crib with the mobile on and take 10 minutes to calm myself. I am not getting what I need. (Mostly, that would be sleep, time to exercise, time to cook, time to read, time to shower...time.) So I am going to work on not feeling this guilt. There is only so much I can do or we can do as moms as we struggle to handle or juggle everything. Everything.

I feel better already.

Our meeting with the geneticist...

Nick and I both thought it was a little odd that they wanted to meet with us. We have been over Escobar and everyone previously agreed thats what he most likely had given the symptomology. We did not think we needed to go back over it, but they asked that we come in and have a meeting and they asked that we both be available for bloodwork. So we went.

We sat down with the doc and he basically explained that they found two mutations in Owens genes. One from each of us. However, something odd happened. The mutation is exactly the same in the gene from Nick and the gene from me. He explained it in laymans terms for us and basically each gene is a book. They read the book to find where the spelling errors are, i.e. mutations. Most people have spelling errors in their genes. Almost all do. However, its unlikely that two different people, with two different ethnic backgrounds have the same spelling error. Our results are saying that Nick and I both have the same exact spelling error.

This has a few implications and so we need to be tested to see if there has been a mistake. They think there has been a mistake. This result has told us that Owen has the fatal or lethal version of Escobar otherwise known as Multiple Pterygium Syndrome. Now, usually the lethal version causes late term miscarriages or stillborn death or presents you with a very sick baby, usually having respiratory issues and underdeveloped organs.

We have had ultrasounds and a full body MRI on Owen and one fetal echocardiogram and one after he was born. Owens organs are great. He is in no respiratory distress. He is thriving. He gains weight. He eats from a bottle.

So what could have happened? There are two scenarios that they are throwing out there now. Either one of us could have had an absent gene, meaning if either my egg or his sperm was missing a gene, which could happen, then the test would show the same book for each of us and of course the same spelling error. Or, Owen is one lucky boy that has lethal multiple pterygium syndrome and its not presenting that way, its presenting as just regular Escobar.

I am not thrilled with the results and when she handed me the genetics report I felt like I did not want to take it. If this is a mistake then I don't want a piece of paper that says the word lethal on it. I would prefer no one puts this in writing.

I spent a lot of time trying to make them convince me that things will not suddenly take a turn for the worst and the geneticist feels quite positive that Owen would be sick now and that its not the type of situation where things are going to go downhill. He feels confident that there was a mistake. He explained that there are two sides to people, the molecular and the clinical. Just because Owens genes say one thing, doesn't mean it is, especially since clinically, he is doing great. He is healthy. The doc seems to feel that the clinically is more important in this instance. For me it feels like a leap of faith. I was under the impression that once they read those genes, they pinpoint factually and exactly what is going on in your body. Now they are asking me to believe its different because it looks different.

It is different though. I am looking at him right now and he is big and cute and has spent the morning smiling at me. He ate his 4 ounces. He tried to shove his whole hand in his mouth for a half hour. He kicked his legs. He watched his mobile with big wide eyes.

I am trying not to feel bad about this result because as I have said repeatedly in this post, Owen is healthy. I am trying to put my stock in the idea that there was probably a missing gene and they will tell us and tell us all is fine. I am trying to be confident that Owen has no signs of any of the problems of lethal multiple pterygium syndrome. His symptoms are those of the other Escobar. I am trying to be calm, not freak out and operate as if yesterday meant nothing.

But just in case, say a prayer, think a good thought, do a spiritual dance or whatever it is you do that Owen remains healthy and thriving, no matter what the tests say. Thank you.

Escobar

Today I spoke with the geneticist and its been confirmed that Owen has Escobar. I also just was made aware that today is the first annual Arthrogryposis Awareness Day.

With respect to the Escobar, I just knew the tests would come back positive. After reading the symptoms of some of the kids I have come across with Escobar, Owen has just about every one of the symptoms.

Nick and I have an appointment with the geneticist on Friday to be tested to see about who is a carrier. We should also get some more information which I will report on here when I have a chance.

I am grateful to know what it is and at the same time, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't change what we are doing now or what we will do in the near future to help his body.

Early intervention has begun and we are doubling up on therapies now, both at HJD and at home. They are working on Owens neck and attempting to release his shoulders and ribs. Imagine your shoulders are hunched really high, that is what Owens feel like. Now imagine your ribs followed your shoulders and the opening of your ribs is up in your chest area and you will know what Owens feel like. The therapists feel like with muscle releasing or stretching and/or massaging those areas, we may be able to move these things down a bit.

Aside from all that, both babies are cooing like crazy and smiling. Owen has dimples when he smiles really big and Caleb does not stop trying to talk. I have a sneaking suspision that they are starting to teethe because they are eating their hands, whining and drooling a lot. We shall see if I am right soon enough.

Gavin is feeling better. This was a doozy of a virus! Poor baby. His tonsils were as big as golf balls. I imagine they will want to take his tonsils sooner than later and if it saves him a lifetime of strep (like I had) then hopefully it will be worth it.

Nick is home for the next 5 days! I am so happy. We are venturing out to the pool tomorrow and then to my parents for a couple of days. I am looking forward to having him around and for all of us to hang out.

I am also really looking forward to the farmers market this weekend. I really into trying to buy more locally grown food.

I will keep you posted about what the geneticist says!

Traveling with twins and one very active 5 year old...

This is a very long story and if you are wondering, yes, we are crazy. I thought it, the people at the airport thought it and its now been confirmed. We took the twins on a airplane. And not one airplane mind you, they have now officially been on 4. But allow me to begin at the beginning and not get too far ahead of myself.

After much thought and discussion (and a little convincing from Grandma Mary Anne) we decided to take a trip to St. Louis. It was hard for me to drop therapy for a few days and doctors appointments (yes, I am being serious) because I did not want Owen to miss treatment. I thought and thought and the idea of a break for all of us seemed like a good idea. Not to mention, we aren't going on vacation this year and Nick had not been home in 2 years and I knew Mary Anne and Joe would love showing off their new grand babies. So off we went.

Tuesday night of last week we arrive at LaGuardia Airport. We have a bag for me, a bag for G, a bag for Nick, two carriers, two car seats, two car seat bases, one double snap and go, one diaper bag, one breast pump bag, one cooler of milk and one bag for the the babies, Nicks book bag and my purse. And I packed light! Thank God for curbside check in. We check three bags at the bargain rate of $25 per bag and move into the security. We are a freak show. We literally have about 12 of those bins lined up with crap in them and we each have to hold a baby as we go through the metal detectors. Their car seats and stroller must go through on the coveyor. Its just nuts. But we make it through with a little sweat and some apologies to the waiting passengers and we move into the gate area. Its about 7pm and our flight leaves at 8:45pm. We grab dinner and find a corner we can take over. We unpack the babies and we wait to board our 3 hour direct flight to St. Louis. I stupidly think to myself, "wow, we are almost through this" and I begin to relax.

All of a sudden, the sign in front of the gate says we are delayed. First an hour, then two, then two and a half. People are grumbling and there is an announcement about delays in other states which caused our plane to be late coming into NY. A further announcement about a half hour later tells us that the flight has been cancelled. The crew has been on the plane for more hours than they are allowed so they cannot turn around and fly to St. Louis. Sorry for ya. The crowd goes wild.

We sit and watch and Nick sneaks off to speak to an AA rep at another desk. Its about 10:30 pm at this point. He is told by the woman to hang out because they are attemmpting to find another flight crew. In the meantime, they are announcing over and over that they cannot control weather and getting upset isn't helping anyone.

At approximately 11:30 they announce that they have found a crew and the flight is on! Yay. Everyone settles into their seats at the gate and I set off in search of a plug so that I may pump. Do you know that there is not one plug in the bathrooms that work? I eventually end up in the space behind the desk at a nearby gate where they keep things like the wheelchairs. I am informed that in 5 minutes a plane will be unloading and that everyone will be walking by me. Have you ever tried to pump breast milk under such pressure? Its not a slow process, nor is it one that you would like to share with a plane full of people, so I do the best I can. But its not much milk and I am starting to worry that I will run out of food for these two.

At 12:40, they announce that our flight has been cancelled. A flight attendant called in sick. I am sitting there thinking about how stupid the person is who just told this crowd that that is why we are not leaving. Lie. Say weather. Say anything. But don't tell a crowd that you have already angered that has been sitting in the airport all night that we cannot leave because a flight attendant called in sick. For the love of God, I will hand out the damn sodas.

We go home. They aren't giving tickets out or vouchers. They are telling you to call a number to complain. There is nothing they can do so they say. We are rebooked the following day for a flight that will layover in Chicago. We are due to leave at 9:55am and arrive in St. Louis via Chicago at 2:35pm.

The following morning, we all get up and get ready again. The few things we had to unload from the car are packed back up and we go back to LaGuardia. We have to go through security again. I want to cry. We make it to the gate and we should be boarding shortly, but no, of course not. We are delayed due to weather in Chicago. We both attempt to breathe and keep our heads about us, so we grab coffee and breakfast and settle in. And one hour later, they announce we will be boarding! We pack up all the crap and go board the plane. We undo the carriage, the car seats, while holding the babies and carrying 5 bags each. We get on the plane and get settled. Gavin has been great this whole time. He has been keeping himself busy and being such a trooper with all the delays. The flight attendant takes him up to meet the pilot. He gets an AA sticker and a card all about the plane we are on. We buckle our seat belts. The captain gets on the speaker and we have been delayed...two hours. Then five minutes later, our flight has been cancelled. Get your bags and get off.

I am wondering if this is the chain of events that will send me over the edge.

Now, I have had enough of American Airlines. I do not ever want to fly with them again. My stroller is stuck on the plane. Nick is on the line holding Owen to talk to one of these idiots and I am standing on the side of the desk holding Caleb. Gavin is talking to anyone and everyone. The gate is chaos again. I finally get someones attention to ask when I can have my car seats and stroller. The lady feels bad for me, so she gets the pilots to get them off the plane and she begins to try to put us on another flight. Shock and awe, there is no more until the following morning. I know if we go home, we will not be going to St. Louis. I cannot do this again. We beg her to find something. 25 minutes later she tells us she has us booked on US Air to St. Louis via Pittsburgh. We will have a layover and we will have to get our crap and get to another concourse, but I say lets do it or else we will have no vacation at all.

We wait an hour for our luggage, another 20 minutes for the shuttle and we finally make it over to US Air. We check in. There is only one seat reserved on the plane for us. Not three and they can't seem to find any more. The lady overrides the system though determined for it to not be her problem and sends us through security to the gate. Yes, security again. FML. We get to the gate and go to the desk. We are told to sit and wait, they need to solicit seats. If I could go back and choke the lady at AA who told us she got us on this flight, I would. I really, really would.

I go off to look for a plug because of course, I need to pump. I find one in the bathroom this time, but I have to stand in the corner, facing a wall, next to the paper towel holder and the garbage. I could not be more thrilled.

When I get back to the gate, they still have not found us seats. The plane has boarded and I just begin to cry and so does Gavin. Gavin cries loudly and miserably. And then the Gods smile on us. The flight attendant comes over and says they have found us seats. We finally get on a plane that is going to leave the airport. We are on and settled and moving. Off to Pittsburgh.

We land in Pittsburgh. We get off the plane and oh yes, we are met with the annoucement that due to impending thunderstorms, the airport is closed. I know that this would only happen to me in life. I ponder bringing the kids into the bar so I can have a drink.

We eventually do get to leave Pittsburgh and we arrive in St. Louis. Its 9:30 pm, but we made it.

We have a lovely few days where Gavin gets to go up in the arch, go the the stadium, go to the circus where he is pulled on stage and conducts the band, we go swimming at a friends pool and my mother-in-laws friends throw me a baby shower for the twins. We see friends and family and I get a massage. Nick does a little shopping. We eat great food, we visit, we drink some wine and we have a wonderful time. It feels like a vacation (except for the 3am feedings).

But my luck strikes again and Gavin gets a 104.4 fever and we end up at the childrens hospital for an afternoon because I cannot seem to get it down despite a family friend calling in a precription for him due to the raw red throat he has. I have decided that I am now going to begin rating hospitals and hospital food if we get admitted. My future brother in law mentioned I may be able to do like a hospital version of Zagats. I am going to think about it. Maybe I could make a few bucks.

It could be strep, it may be mono. We go home to pack up and get ready to come home.

Our flight home is relatively uneventful. Besides Caleb throwing up on me three times and leaking breastmilk which leaves a big wet circle on my left side, our flight leaves on time, it arrives in NY early and I only have to tell off one passenger for loudly mentioning as Caleb is crying that his failure to bring his ear plugs could be a fatal or life shortening event in his life. After I let off some steam on him, he is positively delightful, wishing us luck on his way out of the plane.

Luck huh? As the car overheats all the way home and we drive with the heat on high over the Whitestone in 90 degree weather with 90 percent humidity, I think about luck and how I am not sure I need any more luck wished upon me, it seems I may do better in this life without it.