One week from testing...

I am having so many mixed emotions about the testing and this whole experience. I realized something last night when I was speaking with one of my girlfriends. I never really mourned the first loss. I put all my energy, prayers and hope into getting pregnant again and did not take the time to realize that this would all bleed into one big problem if I did not deal with each incident. I can even feel myself trying to do it again. I am telling myself we will start trying again and once we are pregnant all this will be behind us. But I am not sure we are supposed to just leave it behind, replaced by the next pregnancy. I think we are supposed to go through the steps of grief and get over it. I am also feeling scared about the testing. I keep saying that I hope there is something minor wrong that we can treat and everything will be fine. What if there is not? What if there is something really big wrong? What if having Gavin was the big amazing thing that happened and the miscarriages would be the norm? I have so many "what if" questions. The biggest of which is "WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN?" Part of me thinks that will be it. 3 tries, 3 losses and Gavin is an only child. But I look it him so often now and think to myself that he is not supposed to be an only child. He seems so lonely sometimes. I think he is supposed to be a brother. I think Nick and I are supposed to have another baby. So why is this happening? It really effects me. I am not ususally into all that "women are here to bear children" stuff. I never even thought I would have kids. Then we got pregnant with Gavin and he was coming and I was getting ready. And there are so many parts of motherhood that did not just come naturally to me... i.e. breastfeeding, getting him to sleep at night, making the incessant wailing stop. There were also so many parts that did...i.e. loving, providing, being there for, cuddling, kissing boo-boos, advising, teaching, feeding, clothing, sheltering, being proud of, instilling a self-esteem, making this one little boy feel like he is the center of the universe. So to now not be able to carry a baby past the 7th week, is really humbling and also devastating. Its my natural born right. Why isn't my body working properly? Why is it so easy for 16 year olds, with no money, no job, no husband, no real home of their own, no known future to pop out kids and I can't anymore? I just don't know. I guess next week I may have a little more insight.

So much for not wallowing in self-pity huh???

Weekend and Random Stuff

T.G.I.F!!! I swear, since Monday I have been waiting for today! I took the Metro North today for the first time ever and because of the nice weather, the 20 minute walk was really enjoyable. If I could transfer Gavin to a closer school and not have to drive him to school everyday I could see myself doing that often or as often as the weather is mild. It was really nice though having someone drive me to work and not getting livid at all the idiot drivers on the F.D.R. But I digress, I am really looking forward to the weekend. Our exciting Friday night will involve a trip to Home Depot for some plants and grass seed. Its a family affair since my sister Carla will be joining us. Tomorrow should be great with 80 + degree weather. We have t-ball in the AM and the plan to finish up the landscaping in the backyard. We are planting a really big garden this year. Nick says he is growing all our vegetables for the summer, but I will believe that when I see it. Not to mention, a lot of the veggies are being grown from seeds, whereas normally we plant plants. I imagine this will prove to be harder. We are planting tomatoes, hot and sweet peppers, lettuce, zucchini, cucumber, pumpkin and all my herbs. Saturday night we may have plans for drinks with friends. I reminded Nick today that we don't have a sitter, so it may end up being margaritas on the patio, but we shall see. And Sunday is a birthday party in a park nearby. I look forward to that only because I get to be outside in the sun all day.



On a different note, we have being trying to get "healthy". I say "healthy" because for me the word "diet" inevitably means I will quit at some point and go through this whole process of self-defeat and really that is counter productive. So we are getting healthy. It means that we eat much less, much lighter and not many fun things. I have really tried this week to make tasty low fat, low calorie dinners that do not in anyway include my nemisis - cheese. But I am a little cranky and definitely craving any and everything that is not good for me. Mainly, chocolate and cheese. So I decided that one night a week we can have a "cheat" meal. Anything we want. Just one meal and preferably on the weekend. I think it will give us something to look forward to. As Nick was proclaiming his love for lasagne the other night, I realized I don't want to never have the things I love, just not as often as I have been having them. Which has been often, as I eat for my emotional well-being. Healthy has also included exercising and its been hard. My goal is cardio 4 times a week. Its Friday and so far I have done cardio twice and weights once. That means I will be doing cardio twice over the weekend and weights once. The lesson I have learned here is that I need to front load the week with exercise. Anyway, I am going to post a before pic and hopefully as these weeks move on, I can post pics that show a difference. I hope.



Have a wonderful weekend!

This last couple of weeks...

To give you an idea of what life has been like lately- last week unexpectedly, we all were off from our jobs and school. Some of us for planned vacations (Nick and Gavin) and I was off because I had my second miscarriage in 5 months. It was actually great that Nick and Gavin were home because it forced me to deal with it in a different manner than if I was home alone wallowing in my self-pity. Not that I do not think I am allowed, because I do think its perfectly fine if thats how I choose to deal with it. However, it made me choose not to cry constantly and to concentrate on the wonderful things I have in front of my face. My wonderful husband and our son (and lola too...not that it always seems that way!) Its been nuts attempting to have a second child. Especially given that it was so easy with Gavin. With him, it was one, two, three. With this its been like an emotional rollercoaster that seems to have one stop- heartbreak. We want another baby so badly, we have the means, the space, a loving family and a great relationship that we have worked to keep that way. So why not us? Why can't we have another? Doctors say because we had one, we can. They went on and on about how there is a 90% chance nothing is wrong with me or Nick. But, that remains to be seen. We will be having testing done on May 5 and will get the genetic testing results of the baby about one week later. I am really interested to know if there is something wrong and something that could have been easily detected after our first miscarriage in November. Being a med mal lawyer, doesn't help all these thoughts. Anyway, I will keep updating on how the test results go and what we find. I hope that we find that we can try again and will be successful.

Welcome!

Welcome to the Sedey Family Blog! I am not sure what this is yet, but I know that we will figure it out as we move along. For me, I think I want to kind of chronicle what life is like as we grow our family and our future, no matter how hard (or possibly easy) that may be! Nick will probably want to chronicle cliff diving, his VW- a work in progress, and chillin'. I will add things about recipes I try, my journey through getting healthy, my friends and sisters, and being a mom. Life has been crazy for us lately as we are overcoming a couple of personal issues as we try to have another baby, but are so thankful for the amazing 4 year old boy we have already. So I guess, this is about a new beginning. A journal of the things we are up to, the things we get into and life. Read on if you are interested!