One week from testing...

I am having so many mixed emotions about the testing and this whole experience. I realized something last night when I was speaking with one of my girlfriends. I never really mourned the first loss. I put all my energy, prayers and hope into getting pregnant again and did not take the time to realize that this would all bleed into one big problem if I did not deal with each incident. I can even feel myself trying to do it again. I am telling myself we will start trying again and once we are pregnant all this will be behind us. But I am not sure we are supposed to just leave it behind, replaced by the next pregnancy. I think we are supposed to go through the steps of grief and get over it. I am also feeling scared about the testing. I keep saying that I hope there is something minor wrong that we can treat and everything will be fine. What if there is not? What if there is something really big wrong? What if having Gavin was the big amazing thing that happened and the miscarriages would be the norm? I have so many "what if" questions. The biggest of which is "WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN?" Part of me thinks that will be it. 3 tries, 3 losses and Gavin is an only child. But I look it him so often now and think to myself that he is not supposed to be an only child. He seems so lonely sometimes. I think he is supposed to be a brother. I think Nick and I are supposed to have another baby. So why is this happening? It really effects me. I am not ususally into all that "women are here to bear children" stuff. I never even thought I would have kids. Then we got pregnant with Gavin and he was coming and I was getting ready. And there are so many parts of motherhood that did not just come naturally to me... i.e. breastfeeding, getting him to sleep at night, making the incessant wailing stop. There were also so many parts that did...i.e. loving, providing, being there for, cuddling, kissing boo-boos, advising, teaching, feeding, clothing, sheltering, being proud of, instilling a self-esteem, making this one little boy feel like he is the center of the universe. So to now not be able to carry a baby past the 7th week, is really humbling and also devastating. Its my natural born right. Why isn't my body working properly? Why is it so easy for 16 year olds, with no money, no job, no husband, no real home of their own, no known future to pop out kids and I can't anymore? I just don't know. I guess next week I may have a little more insight.

So much for not wallowing in self-pity huh???