I know you have all felt it (well those of you with kids). Its the bad, guilty feeling that sets in once the child or in my case children are born and you are worried all the time that you are not meeting their needs. It can be small too, something along the lines of whether or not they are sitting in the car for too long with a wet diaper to am I holding Caleb too much and leaving Owen neglected. Oh wait, thats reserved for me, but you get the picture.
I worry a lot about whether Owens constant crying during casts or therapy will affect him negatively later in life. At the risk of sounding nuts, which if you know me, you know it happens from time to time, I actually worry if at that moment some ability to cope or something along those lines are forming in him and because he cried for his first 3 months on this earth, he will have issues later in life. Now, I have spoken to some moms who have been through this process and they assure me that that is not the case, but I do worry.
Lately I realize that I spend my day worried or feeling guilty really about everything. I have tons of guilt about Gavin. My relationship with Gavin is different now. Its currently centered a lot less around quality time and a lot more around "please get off the babies Gavin". I put him in summer camp. I did this because I cannot deal with the three of them alone all day. I feel guilt. Its probably better that he is in summer camp, busy playing, doing crafts, going to the sprinklers. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I put him in front of cartoons as a way to get a break. I let him eat more chips, cookies and crap than usual. We have to schedule alone time together.
I feel guilty about the babies. I leave Caleb home whenever I can because its easier to handle appointments with one baby rather than two. I sometimes turn the radio up in the car to drown out the crying babies. I accidently gave Caleb Owens formula causing him gas for a day and lots of crying. I want to put them for naps a lot. I sometimes do not want to be around them. Caleb can go in the pool and Owen can't because of the casts. I feel guilty.
I want to stop breastfeeding. Ha, that one right there causes us tons of tears. Everyone I know has had an emotional battle with breastfeeding. Whether they did, didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't. There is emotion behind it.
It may seem like this is confessional. But really, I am tired of feeling guilty. And I think it sucks that moms are plagued with these feelings after giving birth. No ones needs are completely being met when you have a new baby. Not yours, your husbands or your other childrens. Its a huge adjustment. Despite the rumors, I am not superwoman. I am just doing the best I can. Sometimes I freak out and cry or scream or put the babies in the crib with the mobile on and take 10 minutes to calm myself. I am not getting what I need. (Mostly, that would be sleep, time to exercise, time to cook, time to read, time to shower...time.) So I am going to work on not feeling this guilt. There is only so much I can do or we can do as moms as we struggle to handle or juggle everything. Everything.
I feel better already.
Hang in there :) Not only are you doing the best you can, you're doing the best that any human could do. Gavin is probably loving the hell out of camp, and the babies will not remember any of this. And if they somehow do, that would make them genius babies, so that will be the least of your concerns!
ReplyDeleteI'm working on a blog thing about the extra weight that hangs on the shoulders of moms of kids with special needs for the first few months or years or whatever----it's a heavy load, and having multiples must be a heavy load, and going from 1 kid to more than one is a challenge.
If it helps, I think it gets much better. I think you're in the toughest part right now. Let me know if I can do anything to help :)
Wow! So could have written part of this right after I had Reece. Hang in there! It'll get better! Some guilt will always be there, but just remember we special needs mommies have so much more on our plate. I think we are allowed to be crazy every once in a while :)
ReplyDeleteAh the guilt thing - I think it comes embedded in the X chromosome - we get double. I am in the middle of a trial for 4 women firefighters each of whom has a long story to tell in court -this week I have felt guilt about whether I have given each her fair share of prep time. I am 63 years old. Does this never end?
ReplyDeleteWhen Nick and Kate were little, I felt guilt about Nick not getting enough attention because Kate was the youngest and neediest. When they were teenagers, I worried about Kate not getting enough attention because Nick was a handful and the center of our attention.
They turned out to be fabulous human beings, if I do say so myself! The jury is still out - just about literally - on my women firefighters.
Gavin needs to go to camp. The babies need to learn to take a nap. You need a pedicure. I swear to you it is all going to be okay.
Thank you all! And MA- good luck this week! I have been thinking about you and sending good vibes!
ReplyDeleteSara - it's so tough, there is no question. It sounds like you are doing better than I would ever be able to. Really - it is amazing what you are doing. Take a moment when you need it and know that you are phenomenal parent.
ReplyDeleteBreastfeeding - it's always so political and frustrating. It's unjust that people judge and don't just accept that feeding your child, which ever way you can, is the most important. What method it comes to the baby is irrelevant. It almost cost me my mental health with my first born, I opted to bottle feed. Life was better. W is the opposite, he throws bottles when they are insight - I have no freedom. There is no easy balance.
As for the crying, I would argue that Owen will be a more resilient child. He has known effort and challenge from the moment his was born. He will constantly amaze you with what he accomplishes - because he is resilient.
You make me laugh about your camp remarks. Sophia just finished a week of Kinder Dance camp. My mornings were relative bliss. She blossomed into a little dancer and I had a break. It's called win-win. We had a quick ice cream tonight, our date.
Mary Anne was right - the guilt never does end. So just go and enjoy your shower.
Hang in there! I know just how you feel.......I was there once. Time helps, I promise! Trust in God and go to him for peace and comfort. You can only do so much. I think the fact that you are able to realize when you need a break and put the babies in bed is awesome! We all need time, regardless of how much or little it is. It helps everyone, even the babies cause you can come back with a clear mind and fresh start. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments! It helps to know that I am normal and this shall pass!
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