Dear Gavin,

I am sitting at work today missing you. I have been looking around my office at all your pictures. Pictures of you as an infant, pictures of you as a toddler, pictures of you now. Even pictures you have made me of us. I miss my boy. I miss you because I am physically away from you but also, I miss you and me the way we were before the babies. I miss scooby doo in bed every night. I miss going to all the kid movies with you. I miss driving you to school every morning and discussing all the important things in life, like which type of VW you will have when you are older and the importance of bird nests. Life is different now that the babies have arrived and I miss the little boy that I thought of as my baby. I know you are mad that you have to share us. I am sure when Alyson came along, I was pissed too. I know that 5 years was a long time to have both of your parents undivided attention, praise, hugs, kisses, cuddles, conversation. I know it must feel bad to watch us coo, kiss and cuddle with not just one baby, but two. I am not sure how to express to you that you have not been replaced. We added to our family because we love you so much and have loved being your parents so much that we wanted more of you. Babies just like you. It probably feels like you are getting yelled at a lot. It probably feels like mommy and daddy (moreso mommy) has no patience. I know it feels like all we ever do is ask you to put a pacifier in someones mouth and please hand us a spit rag and by the way, get out of Owen or Calebs face. I know. This is new for mommy and daddy too. We are learning how to be a family of 5, how to have 3 kids and how to attempt to divide our time between all of you. How to balance and keep things calm. How to operate on no sleep. We do not think you are bad or annoying. But I know that it must feel that way because you are five and you asked me if you are annoying. It broke my heart. You are not annoying. You are my baby, my heart, the first child of mine that I fell in love with. You are smart and handsome. Funny and imaginative. You are fiercly independent and equally dependent at the same time. You are like me. You are like your daddy. I am sorry for how tough this has been on you. I know you begged for a baby and you got two and one with many needs beyond the norm. I know its been a tough couple of years. But I promise that it will get easier and different. It will be more fun and we will all find our groove as a family. Its getting better already. I miss you little boy. I love you more than anything on earth. Nothing I have ever accomplished is as special or as worthwhile, as the day I had you.

Love you,
Mommy