Testing Day for Me

Finally, they took my blood. And maybe close to all of it. 17 viles of blood. I thought I was going to fall on the floor. The testing I am having is the Recurrent Missed Abortion Panel. You have this when you have more than one miscarriage. The first vile of blood was the genetic testing also called chromosome analysis or karyotype testing, which is done to make sure that I am not a carrier and that all my genes are in a row so to speak. This is the testing that Nick will have next week. Then I was sent to the lab for the rest of the testing. This lists includes many things, only some of which I remember, which is thyroid, lupus, STDs, proteins A and C, and the anti-coagulant testing to see if I have some sort of clotting disorder. I go back on June 8th to have a endometrial biopsy to see if I have the correct amount of progesterone and to rule out the possibility of a luteal phase defect, meaning that the egg does not implant correctly after ovulation. I am curious about the progesterone because with the first m/c, my progesterone was low, but this was told to me after the second u/s where they finally found a fetus and a heartbeat after the week before not being able to. I was upset because the doctor had my blood results for a week at that point and I should have been on progesterone the whole time. This last m/c, I was on progesterone from 3 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Some docs suggest that you go on progesterone from ovulation through your 12th week. The only issue I see with this is that sometimes if you are not pregnant, being on progesterone from day 14 of your cycle on, means your period will not come on time and you often have to stop the progesterone to get your period. For those of you who do not know, progesterone is only released after you ovulate. Its made by what is called the Corpus Luteum Cyst which is the sac that releases the egg. The cyst stays and releases progesterone if you are pregnant until your uterus takes over that job at 12 weeks. If you are not pregnant, the cyst goes and this happens again your next cycle. So, you need the progesterone to keep the pregnancy viable. Progesterone supplements are a touchy subject among pregnant women and doctors. Some people think that if you take progesterone, you will keep a pregnancy viable that should not be kept viable. But the truth of the matter is, that any pregnancy that is not supposed to be viable will not remain viable. Progesterone only helps keep the viable ones around. I am concerned with progesterone as well because this time my progesterone was 15. (The first m/c it was 9) They say anything over 20 in the first 4 weeks is where you want to be. You can top out around 40 in your second trimester and they do not really monitor it at that point. Just once in the beginning and if its above normal, that is it. My doctor was fine with 15 and many are. I would have liked it to be 20 or more. To me 15 was an indication of an issue. Anyway, after the endo biopsy, I will have the HS testing which stands for Hysterosalpingogram. This is a radiological exam where they insert dye into the uterine cavity and it flows through your fallopian tubes and into your abdominal cavity to make sure there are no blockages. I am not terribly worried about blockages since I get pregnant really easy. So, hopefully that will go fine. I would like to have all of this done and the results from everything by the beginning of July. We are cleared to try again after July's cycle and I would like to and I think Nick would too, given all this is complete. Wish us luck!

"Single" Parenting...kind of

Nick has been gone since Sunday. Its been fine. I miss him a lot and so does Gavin, but really I can handle it. Its more work for sure, but I had prepared myself for that. Mostly, its just quiet. At night after Gavin goes down (in Nicks spot), I kind of wander around the house and attempt to get settled. I can't seem to fully relax though. I read a chapter of my book and then I get up and look for something to do... did I leave a random dish undone? I put the T.V. on and watch, but even then I think of something I should to do or "need" to do. I have painted my dresser, bought a used chair for the livingroom, cleaned it and gotten it situated with a throw blanket and decorative pillow (I know I am nuts, its a non-issue at this point). I have attempted to put up two new towel racks, but after much frustration, it seems as though I have given up after one. I would need to drill the bathroom tile to get the other up and I just think some things are better left done by Nick. I have cleaned, re-cleaned, and cleaned again. I think at this point, the moment the hair falls off of Lola, I have swept in and swiffered it up. I have done coffee, breakfast, lunch and dinner now for 5 days and I have handled garden watering, garbage duty (hey Nick, you know all those times you have asked me when did I ever take the garbage out during the last ten years???? I now have an answer for you) and recyclables. I have handled Gavin, who has proven to be quite easy. He has, with very little argument, brushed his teeth, gotten dressed, bathed and went to bed. So all in all, its been nice to know I can handle it. Its also nice to be reminded that I don't want to handle it by myself. I miss Nick. And not for the garbage duty, recyclables, lola, chopping, cutting, watering and towel holder installation. For his company, conversation, laughs, silliness, time spent with the three of us, his hugs, kisses, shoulder to lean on, listening, helping, making me feel safe at night, love, affection and him just being him. So I hope he does not go away again for ten days. Can't wait til he gets home.

Memorial Day Weekend

Its Memorial Day weekend. A lovely 3 day weekend for me. Gavin had Friday off and has Tuesday off so its like a mini vacation for him and Nick leaves tomorrow for 10 days in Utah! I am going to make sure he blogs about his time there. Funny thing is, the blog was Nicks idea. However, I am more into than he is. Anyway, today we did normal Saturday stuff- clean and work in the yard. We are going to have a nice dinner and do a fire in the fire pit for Nick's last night. I have to tell you, I am not looking forward to being a "single" parent for ten days! Ten days feels like a really long time right now. That's ten mornings of toothbrush fighting, ten days of "I don't want to go to bed, I am not tired" fighting. Ten days of breakfast, lunch and dinner without my sous chef. Ten nights of diagonal sleeping, whoo hoo! Just kidding, Gavin has already called dibs on Daddy's side of the bed. Needless to say, I really am going to miss Nick and wish he weren't going. But, this is his one trip...so he says.

Tomorrow, Gavin and I are shopping for a chair and a new quilt. Shhh, don't tell my husband. Then Monday, we are going to chill. If its hot, maybe we will venture to the beach. If its not, then we will hang at home and relax. I never relax. Even when I plan to relax, I don't.

Yesterday we were supposed to have our testing done for Nick and I. Just as a side note, I really had to argue with my boss about taking a half a day off. I left work at 2:30. Nick did as well. We met outside the doc at 3:30 and went upstairs. When we arrived at the docs door, it was locked. So we rang the bell and another doctor opens the door a crack. She asks what we are there for. We tell her we have a 3:30 with Dr. Huang. Rather rudely, she says "No, the office is closed. Dr. Huang is at the hospital with a patient." I just started to cry. I have been waiting so long to know if there is something wrong with us. Numerous times a day I wonder if its my thyroid or a clotting issue. I wonder if Nick and I are carriers for trisomy 16. I thought that Fridays appointment would help me take another step towards getting some answers and moving forward. Nick and I both told the doctor that answered the door that this was ridiculous and once she saw how upset I was, she softened a little. But it was truly upsetting that this appointment has not happened yet. I will be telling Dr. Huang how upset I am on Tuesday. It almost doesn't matter though because Nick is not here for ten more days. Technically, we can start trying again in July. I would like to do that. But, I can't without knowing the results. I won't with out the results.

On to better stuff, we loved Chicago. It was beautiful and Kate has a beautiful, comfortable apartment with tons of space and this really cool greenhouse window. The city, well what we saw of it, was very nice. Lots of different color bricks and little shops that are not chain stores. It was really a great, but too short trip. The pizza was delicious. You can't compare it to NY pizza, because its nothing like it, save for the three main ingredients- dough, cheese and sauce. I had the plain or cheese pizza with extra sauce. It was like foccacia with cheese on top, not too much and a thick layer of thick dark red tomato sauce that was enjoyably heavy on the oregano. The dough was crisp on the edges and it was buttery. By the time our (horrible) plane ride was over, it was far later than we had expected so we were unable to go to the place, so it was brought home to us. It was delicious and exactly what we needed after traveling. The name of the pizza shop is Pequods Pizza. Try it next time you are in Chicago!

I will post some pics on here of our trip. Enjoy this beautiful weekend!

Weekend in Chicago

Happy Friday. Tonight Nick and I are off to Chicago for my sister-in-laws law school graduation and to celebrate my mother-in-laws birthday and my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary. Needless to say, I have so many cards with me, its beginning to look like I own stock in Hallmark. It should be a fun weekend. Tonight is pizza night in Chicago. I am not sure I love Chicago Style Pizza but Kate says there is a great place and I trust she would only bring me to the best. I will report back in a few days, as you know I am the self-proclaimed pizza queen. Tomorrow is a fancy dinner in honor of our honorees and Sunday we fly back. My mom and dad have Gavin and Lola for the weekend and hopefully we will have a good time. I am not terribly fond of travelling. I like going places however, I can do without the plane rides and baggage and traffic. Not to mention the control freak in me does not ever feel comfortable with other people planning what I will be doing. Yes, even if they live there and I have never been there.

On a completely different note, I am searching for a therapist. Its amazing to me that of the ones listed by my insurance so far none of the ones I have called are taking new patients. Or they just don't call me back. I am getting really frustrated. Right now, I feel like I take one step forward and feel better for a day or two and then two steps back and I feel like crap. I cry at the drop of the hat. I cry almost every single day at some point. I do it alone. I do not want to worry Nick or Gavin. But I know its not normal. So I wish someone would call me back and we could set up an appointment. I am not sure which step of greiving I am on, but if there is one called "depressed, crying, emotional, angry, short of patience and downer" it seems to be where I am stuck. I want to get out of this hole.

Pictures of Our Weekend - May 9-10

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! To all of you mommies out there, mommies to be, mommies of angels and grandmas, I hope that you had the perfect mothers day for you. I hope you smiled, hugged, kissed, relaxed, were cherished, were appreciated and were thanked for the amazing job you do. I was. I had a lovely evening last night with close friends and my husband just dancing and having a good time. I woke up and took a walk with Nick. I had brunch with my mom and sisters and I took a nice long nap this afternoon. It was a perfect day. Gavin has hugged and kissed me a hundred times today and I love when he does. I have thought about the two I lost and felt a little longing for the one I want to have but most of all I just appreciated what I have. Much love to all of you! Happy Mother's Day!

So glad its the weekend!!!

Friday May 8, 2009. You know how I love Fridays! The diet is out the window this weekend. Its mother's day and we have lots of stuff planned that is just no good for ones diet. I will however, dance my calories off on Saturday night, if my back cooperates. Tonight is pizza night with Dawn and Mark. We are actually driving to Bridgeport, CT to have pizza at a place that Dawn and I have gone to many times over our 11 years being friends. When you love pizza like we love pizza, you will travel far and wide to have it. So, like a bunch of crazy people, Mark, Dawn, myself, Nick and Gavin will pile into one SUV and drive more than an hour to have this pizza. Its fun though. It reminds me of when I was in college and Dawn and I used to go often. Saturday is t-ball of course, then cleaning the house. Gavin is spending the night with Aunt Aly and Brian (and I believe going to play mini golf) while Nick and I spend the evening on a party boat for my friend Nancy's birthday. I do not love boats, but I am really hoping the martinis help! Erika and Andy are coming with us and it should be fun....I hope. Sunday is Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to everyone. We will be having brunch at our house with my sisters and my parents. We have an extensive menu of very unhealthy items planned like hazelnut cinnamon buns with mascarpone icing, a bacon and egg strata, pancakes, sausages, croissants, grilled fruit, bloody marys and mimosas!!! How could one diet through that? Then Nick, Gavin and I are sneaking off to spend the afternoon wandering around the botanical gardens. The lilacs should be out and I just love them. Our own garden stuff has not arrived as of yet, but they assure me it will be here in 7-10 business days. I can't wait to plant all those flowers and veggies. Another exciting news update: Nick has decided to finally write on here this weekend! Let's see if it happens!

Update: OBGYN Appt.

Last night, Nick and I went to our follow-up appointment after the miscarriage. As you know, I thought we were having all of the genetic testing last night. But as it turned out, the baby's genetic testing results were back and they had found that she (yes, she was a girl...I am devastated, because I wanted a girl so bad) had Trisomy 16, which means a third copy of chromosome 16. Normally we all have 46 chromosomes which means we have 2 of each. Each parent supplies 23 (22 numbered chromosomes and either an X or a Y, which are the sex chromosomes). Chromosomes are long strands of DNA. If you have Downs Syndrome, as my sister Madison has, you have a third copy of chromosome 21. Some chromosomal abnormalities can result in full term babies. Some, such as Full trisomy 16, cannot. However, there is a mosaic version of Trisomy 16, which means that the third chromosome 16 is attached to some cells but not all. Our genetic testing result said Aneuploidy 47 XX, +16 translating to 47 chromosomes, female (XX), extra 16. I can find a ton of research on the mosaic variety of Trisomy 16. I think the reason for that is that those children live and research is done and published. But I am finding that I can hardly find any research on Trisomy 16. I am baffled. The little research that I have uncovered tells me that Trisomy 16 is the MOST COMMON trisomy that occurs and the most common chromosomal abnormality resulting in miscarriage. Full trisomy 16 does not ever result in a viable pregnancy, as its not compatible with life. This trisomy is called a fluke. I find opinions that say its age related. I find opinions that say its not. What I have yet to find, as you may glean from all of this is the answers I need. I had no testing done after the first miscarriage as the first miscarriage is written off by medical professionals and civilians alike, as "natures way of weeding out the bad eggs". OK, I can accept that. So I try to get pregnant again and voila, I have a second miscarriage and this one with a "fluke" genetic problem. The doctor cannot tell me if this could have been the issue the first time, because I had no testing and it could have been anything. What I need to know is really could this have been the problem the first time? Could this happen again? Are we carriers? Can we be carriers? I only read one place that you can be a carrier. Apparently, the parents (usually one) can have a balanced or unbalanced translocation. Balanced translocation means that the total amount of DNA in each cell is correct however DNA material is missing from its normal chromosomal location and it is found attached to another chromosome. Unbalanced is a rearrangement between 2 or more chromosomes that results in a change in the amount of DNA that is present. You can either have missing DNA or extra DNA. If a parent has one of these translocations, you can have a baby with this problem. No where have I found any information that tells me if we already have had a genetically "normal" child, for lack of a better word, that we are not carriers. So basically all of this is to say that we will be meeting with the doc to have a genetic meeting and then Nick and I will undergo genetic testing. Right now, the only thought process I am having is that I really hope, pray, wish upon a star, that we are not carriers. If our genetics come back as normal, I think I can say that I will feel better about getting pregnant again. If it doesn't, well I have a whole other thought process to go through and I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. May 22 is our appointment to discuss the testing and then it begins. Nothing can go fast enough for me. I just need to know everything now. Wish us luck. Please.