Owen is up 1 1/2 pounds! Yay!!! That pound and a half was hard work mind you! He had to eat butter, olive oil, meat-3x per day, rice cereal at every feeding, have more formula for each ounce of water, eat ice cream, whipped cream and pumpkin pie. Whoo hoo! Now we just have to keep this (horrendous, but yummy) diet up until he is a chunker like his little brother Caleb. I could not be more thrilled.
We have our MRI this coming week. Please send good vibes, prayers, thoughts, whatever you do, please. Anesthesia makes me nervous. Its one of the drawbacks of my profession. I know what can potentially go wrong. So I worry, have anxiety and earn myself a few gray hairs over it. (Ha, no you cannot tell, because I dye it.) We will be at CHOP in the PICU overnight and a lot of people say there is no better place to be. I am trying to find comfort in that.
As you all know, its Halloween. The babies are being Thing 1 and Thing 2 and Gavin is being the Cat in the Hat. Its going to be precious. As soon as I have pictures, I will post them on shutterfly (link can be found to the right of this post).
Aunt Patty is here visiting and she is meeting the babies for the first time. It should be a fun weekend.
Week one of dieting was not fun. I was cranky a lot and fell off the wagon (not the cheese wagon, the cookie wagon). Why is it that on my first diet week, everyone in my office bought cookies? So I had some. And then I felt bad. I did good though for the most part. Ate my lettuce. Are more lettuce. Ate even more lettuce and realized, I am hungry. So, I ate lettuce and other things, like soup or whole wheat pasta covered in veggies. Here are some things I learned this week: 1) I do not need 2 cups of pasta, like I thought. I can eat 1 cup of whole wheat pasta covered in my peppers, onions, spinach and olives and its more than enough food, 2) If you eat more than one 100 calorie pack at a time, it defeats the purpose, so needless to say, I am done with those, 3) A skinny latte with sugar free caramel syrup goes far at 3pm, 4) I can live without cheese. I may not like it, but I can do it, and lastly, 5) I don't need to sautee things in half a cup of olive oil. 2 teaspoons is plenty if you mix it well.
Happy Halloween!!!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Stop that train and farewell queso, I loved you so.
All we have done is eat in the last few weeks. We have been to family functions, friends homes, parties, and gatherings. We have hosted one or two of these and all we do is eat. For example, Friday night we went to a Halloween party. We ate. Saturday, we went to Madisons 7th birthday party. Again more eating. Yesterday, we went my cousins home with my sisters and my cousins and all the significant others. We ate and ate and ate. In the last three days, I personally can say, I have eaten brownies, mozzarella sticks, cookies, pie, cake, cheese, cheese, cheese, dip, crackers, bread, more cheese. Hot cheese, cold cheese. Throw in some olives, roasted peppers and a few veggies for good measure and I am stuffed. Now add to that the beer, wine and champagne mixers that were oh so delicious, and well I feel gluttonous. I feel disgusting. I don't usually tell anyone when I am going on a "diet". Failure looms too close. I don't want to show up at family parties or the holidays and have people looking at my plate trying to determine if I have fallen off the wagon. I don't want to have to explain that I ate salad all week, I swear I did, so I am entitled to this full plate of cookies! But I woke up yesterday morning, I looked down at a belly that I have not had in 12 years, put on pants that are a size that I have not worn in 12 years and I almost lost my shit. I feel horrendous. Yes, yes, I know, I just had twins, and a c-section, and I have no time, and I have this whole new life on my hands, and.... I get it. I currently have every excuse in the book to drown my sorrows in food. And I have been, I assure you. But this life isn't getting any different anytime soon, so I have to stop now or else this will get out of control.
I have never been small and my struggles with my weight have been life long. When I was younger I weighed a lot. When I was in college, I weighed one hundred pounds less than I did at 17. It took years to lose 100 lbs. I had to change what I ate, I had to drink water for a living. I had to give up cheese. If you don't understand my love affair with cheese, please see the above paragraph and what I ate for the last 3 days. Eventually, I had to exercise. And it wasn't fun, but I remember thinking that once I got used to it, it wasn't the hardest thing I had ever done. Now one happy relationship, two kids, control over my own fridge and having such a passion for cooking has left me watching the scale climb back up that steep mountain.
Its time for a change. And maybe the blog will help me. Perhaps telling all of you that I am going to make some food changes and that I am going stop this train before it becomes a train wreck will help me stay motivated. I need motivation. We are going into the holiday season now. It starts with a milky way on October 31 and it ends in gravy smothered mashed potatoes in December. I need to get control.
If you have ideas (short of "stop eating" because we all know that isn't going to work) please feel free to comment. I am sadly giving up cheese for the most part. With the exception of feta, parmesan and cottage cheese, I am bidding adieu. I realize that using mozzarella as a way to cure my woes, is not only not working, but its making me more miserable.
Good-bye mozzarella, my salty, melty, stringy friend. One day I will know how to consume you in moderation. Until then, I must never taste you.
Good-bye American cheese. You are the only grilled cheese I love. I will miss our hot buttery sandwiches on picnic night. It will never be the same.
Good-bye provolone (picante of course), you, some roasted peppers, shredded lettuce and tomato on a roll covered in italian dressing. Perfection. However, I no longer can do this. What you have single handedly done to my ass, is just wrong.
Anyway, besides giving up the cheese, I am living on lettuce. Not really, but if I can eat a big, but interesting salad every day for lunch with a small cup of some sort of bean or vegetable soup, then I will have had a healthy and satisfying lunch. By interesting, I do not mean covered in bacon bits and ranch, I mean veggies and nuts and I will make my own dressing devoid of mayonnaise. Yogurt and fruit for breakfast or Kashi cereal with milk and berries. And hello splenda and fat free half and half.
Dinners are my real issue. I am a vegetarian. Nick is not, although he is willing to eat very little meat, he does need chicken and fish and so do the babies. I need vegetarian friendly, low fat, meat-eater satisfying meals that can be done quickly! Ha, I think I just asked for the impossible! If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am willing to try anything.
In addition, I am working on my "party plan". A way to fill my plate with the healthy stuff and not go back for the cheese, dips and desserts. A plan to take just one and have that be satisfying. Again, tips and advice are welcome.
I am done for now, but I will be back to update my life with lettuce!
I have never been small and my struggles with my weight have been life long. When I was younger I weighed a lot. When I was in college, I weighed one hundred pounds less than I did at 17. It took years to lose 100 lbs. I had to change what I ate, I had to drink water for a living. I had to give up cheese. If you don't understand my love affair with cheese, please see the above paragraph and what I ate for the last 3 days. Eventually, I had to exercise. And it wasn't fun, but I remember thinking that once I got used to it, it wasn't the hardest thing I had ever done. Now one happy relationship, two kids, control over my own fridge and having such a passion for cooking has left me watching the scale climb back up that steep mountain.
Its time for a change. And maybe the blog will help me. Perhaps telling all of you that I am going to make some food changes and that I am going stop this train before it becomes a train wreck will help me stay motivated. I need motivation. We are going into the holiday season now. It starts with a milky way on October 31 and it ends in gravy smothered mashed potatoes in December. I need to get control.
If you have ideas (short of "stop eating" because we all know that isn't going to work) please feel free to comment. I am sadly giving up cheese for the most part. With the exception of feta, parmesan and cottage cheese, I am bidding adieu. I realize that using mozzarella as a way to cure my woes, is not only not working, but its making me more miserable.
Good-bye mozzarella, my salty, melty, stringy friend. One day I will know how to consume you in moderation. Until then, I must never taste you.
Good-bye American cheese. You are the only grilled cheese I love. I will miss our hot buttery sandwiches on picnic night. It will never be the same.
Good-bye provolone (picante of course), you, some roasted peppers, shredded lettuce and tomato on a roll covered in italian dressing. Perfection. However, I no longer can do this. What you have single handedly done to my ass, is just wrong.
Anyway, besides giving up the cheese, I am living on lettuce. Not really, but if I can eat a big, but interesting salad every day for lunch with a small cup of some sort of bean or vegetable soup, then I will have had a healthy and satisfying lunch. By interesting, I do not mean covered in bacon bits and ranch, I mean veggies and nuts and I will make my own dressing devoid of mayonnaise. Yogurt and fruit for breakfast or Kashi cereal with milk and berries. And hello splenda and fat free half and half.
Dinners are my real issue. I am a vegetarian. Nick is not, although he is willing to eat very little meat, he does need chicken and fish and so do the babies. I need vegetarian friendly, low fat, meat-eater satisfying meals that can be done quickly! Ha, I think I just asked for the impossible! If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am willing to try anything.
In addition, I am working on my "party plan". A way to fill my plate with the healthy stuff and not go back for the cheese, dips and desserts. A plan to take just one and have that be satisfying. Again, tips and advice are welcome.
I am done for now, but I will be back to update my life with lettuce!
Friday, October 22, 2010
October Updates...
I figure I better update, before its November and I have lost sight of October. (See my previous entry). Anyway, so this month we have had our meeting with the nutritionist, a barium swallow test, a new dietitian (I will explain why we have a nutritionist and a dietitian shortly), a pre-anesthesia appointment, a meeting with the orthopedist and an upcoming pulmonology meeting.
Basically, the nutritionist and I met a couple of times and she suggested that my child is hungry and that I am not feeding him enough. I brought him to her office when he was hungry on purpose. I timed his feeding so that he would take his bottle in front of her so that she could observe his eating. I journaled his food and bottle intake for more than a week. I charted other Escobar kids weight gains from birth to 2. And stupid me, apparently. She took his hunger to mean that I was not feeding him enough, that I am clearly not giving him what he needs and explained that since he is so hungry he is expending energy being hungry which is burning calories. In addition, she explained that feeding tubes are easier and could not understand my resistance to such an idea. Where to begin with this woman. First of all, Owen is not hungry. I am not even going to explain how much he eats because I refuse to feel like I have to explain myself here. He eats, he is not hungry. End of story. She refused to listen to me about how he gets exercise from therapy, he cries the entire time and he has Escobar, which all could contribute to his lack of weight gain. She put my chart in a folder and gave me back my food journal. No other consideration was given to reason. The answer has to be that I don't feed him enough. When I suggested an increase in his formula to water ratio, she said that wasn't going to help. When I suggested duocal, a supplement that bumps up the calories, she said that wouldn't help. And when I explained to her my feelings on feeding tubes and why I did not think that was the best option, she said I seemed a little excitable. I smiled and left. We no longer have appointments with her. The last thing I need are doctors that are making me excited.
The only reasonable thing she did do was order a swallow test for Owen. As I suspected, Owen swallows fine. I may seem a bit "know it all" here, but honestly, Owen is my job right now. I take knowing his situation so seriously that I do know A LOT. I do not know it all. However, when you are unwilling to do the research, or even listen to what I see and do every day with this child, its clear, I know more than you and we will not be continuing our relationship.
In the meantime, Early Intervention cleared us for a dietitian. She came over to the house and you should just hear the things that Owen can eat. Butter or olive oil with every meal. Condensed milk, ice cream, heavy cream, avocado, whipped cream. He may have mashed potatoes with cream and butter. He has a diet from heaven! Seriously, its felt very unnatural to feed him this way and I asked her if I could potentially be setting him up for a heart attack later. She assured me that I wasn't and that babies need much more fat and our goal is to get them to double and triple their weight in the first year. So I relaxed and now Owen is smacking his lips at his rice cereal, chicken, and sweet potatoes topped with melted butter. And he was weighed yesterday, between his 6 month check up and now he has gained 13 ounces, so I am suspecting by next weeks pediatrician appointment, he will have gained a pound!
As for orthopedics, his foot is recurring and that's not good. She suspects its the tethered spine. A long time ago (June) when we had a full-body MRI for Owen, they said he has a borderline tether. In light of the way his foot keeps recurring, she is pretty sure its tethered and it will have to be released in order to continue to fix his feet and for them to remain corrected. This will also have to be done prior to the VEPTR surgery which they think will happen in December of next year. We will get confirmation of the spine at the MRI in Philly, at CHOP on 11/2.
And lastly, we had our pre-anesthesia appointment yesterday for the MRI. Owen has to go under general anesthesia for the MRI and because of the apnea, he will have to be intubated in the OR, they will bring him to the MRI. He will have the study. They will bring him back to the PICU and then we will stay overnight for observation. They have to watch the breathing because of the lungs. So another overnight in Philly. I hate that we have to be away from Gavin and Caleb, but better safe than sorry.
Ok, that's all I got for now. More updates to come!
Basically, the nutritionist and I met a couple of times and she suggested that my child is hungry and that I am not feeding him enough. I brought him to her office when he was hungry on purpose. I timed his feeding so that he would take his bottle in front of her so that she could observe his eating. I journaled his food and bottle intake for more than a week. I charted other Escobar kids weight gains from birth to 2. And stupid me, apparently. She took his hunger to mean that I was not feeding him enough, that I am clearly not giving him what he needs and explained that since he is so hungry he is expending energy being hungry which is burning calories. In addition, she explained that feeding tubes are easier and could not understand my resistance to such an idea. Where to begin with this woman. First of all, Owen is not hungry. I am not even going to explain how much he eats because I refuse to feel like I have to explain myself here. He eats, he is not hungry. End of story. She refused to listen to me about how he gets exercise from therapy, he cries the entire time and he has Escobar, which all could contribute to his lack of weight gain. She put my chart in a folder and gave me back my food journal. No other consideration was given to reason. The answer has to be that I don't feed him enough. When I suggested an increase in his formula to water ratio, she said that wasn't going to help. When I suggested duocal, a supplement that bumps up the calories, she said that wouldn't help. And when I explained to her my feelings on feeding tubes and why I did not think that was the best option, she said I seemed a little excitable. I smiled and left. We no longer have appointments with her. The last thing I need are doctors that are making me excited.
The only reasonable thing she did do was order a swallow test for Owen. As I suspected, Owen swallows fine. I may seem a bit "know it all" here, but honestly, Owen is my job right now. I take knowing his situation so seriously that I do know A LOT. I do not know it all. However, when you are unwilling to do the research, or even listen to what I see and do every day with this child, its clear, I know more than you and we will not be continuing our relationship.
In the meantime, Early Intervention cleared us for a dietitian. She came over to the house and you should just hear the things that Owen can eat. Butter or olive oil with every meal. Condensed milk, ice cream, heavy cream, avocado, whipped cream. He may have mashed potatoes with cream and butter. He has a diet from heaven! Seriously, its felt very unnatural to feed him this way and I asked her if I could potentially be setting him up for a heart attack later. She assured me that I wasn't and that babies need much more fat and our goal is to get them to double and triple their weight in the first year. So I relaxed and now Owen is smacking his lips at his rice cereal, chicken, and sweet potatoes topped with melted butter. And he was weighed yesterday, between his 6 month check up and now he has gained 13 ounces, so I am suspecting by next weeks pediatrician appointment, he will have gained a pound!
As for orthopedics, his foot is recurring and that's not good. She suspects its the tethered spine. A long time ago (June) when we had a full-body MRI for Owen, they said he has a borderline tether. In light of the way his foot keeps recurring, she is pretty sure its tethered and it will have to be released in order to continue to fix his feet and for them to remain corrected. This will also have to be done prior to the VEPTR surgery which they think will happen in December of next year. We will get confirmation of the spine at the MRI in Philly, at CHOP on 11/2.
And lastly, we had our pre-anesthesia appointment yesterday for the MRI. Owen has to go under general anesthesia for the MRI and because of the apnea, he will have to be intubated in the OR, they will bring him to the MRI. He will have the study. They will bring him back to the PICU and then we will stay overnight for observation. They have to watch the breathing because of the lungs. So another overnight in Philly. I hate that we have to be away from Gavin and Caleb, but better safe than sorry.
Ok, that's all I got for now. More updates to come!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Trying to find balance in the craziness...
This first year of being a special needs mom is, for lack of a better word, crazy. Add twins to the mix and its insane. Add one well-meaning, high-energy, bright, attention-requiring 5 year old and I am thinking we have reached certifiable. Now add lawyer, wife, sister, daughter, friend and dog owner and I am pretty sure I can hear the sirens of the truck coming to take me off to the looney bin. One straight-jacket please. I welcome some time in a padded room! Seriously.
I have spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out how to balance all of these things and try to find some time for myself. I don't do anything for me anymore. Not a pedicure, not walking, not Saturday afternoon naps. I don't have time and when I do, there are other things that are more important. And yes, I could probably skip the cleaning one Saturday, but when Caleb is chewing on a mouthful of dog hair because I did not clean, someone is going to look at me like I am a bad mother and I would prefer not to deal with that. Not to mention, I am short on patience, so when that disapproving look crosses that persons face, I am bound to go off.
So back to balance. Seeing as I have never been so busy in my life, I would like to have some of this. Time management at its best. I hate to reduce life to appointments in my calendar, but it seems its necessary. That's how I make it to all of our appointments, my court appearances, our social engagements. So now I need to figure out how to pencil in some "me" time and since I am feeling self-indulgent, some "Nick and Sara" time too. Our social worker agrees. She has even requested that Nick and I receive "respit" from Early Intervention. Time where they pay someone to watch our children so that we can get a break and get out of the house. We just need to find the person. The brave soul who wants to watch all three of them, for whatever hourly wage the county is paying.
Its so easy to get lost in this new life. To let go of everything that I like to do and want to do because I am needed by my kids, my disabled son, my husband, my job. So I think, I will pencil me in. And when we find out more about the "respit" situation, I will pencil us in. I will make and keep appointments for me and us to have time to do some of the things that we need to do for ourselves. I think its impossible to have balance otherwise and to feel like a human.
I have spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out how to balance all of these things and try to find some time for myself. I don't do anything for me anymore. Not a pedicure, not walking, not Saturday afternoon naps. I don't have time and when I do, there are other things that are more important. And yes, I could probably skip the cleaning one Saturday, but when Caleb is chewing on a mouthful of dog hair because I did not clean, someone is going to look at me like I am a bad mother and I would prefer not to deal with that. Not to mention, I am short on patience, so when that disapproving look crosses that persons face, I am bound to go off.
So back to balance. Seeing as I have never been so busy in my life, I would like to have some of this. Time management at its best. I hate to reduce life to appointments in my calendar, but it seems its necessary. That's how I make it to all of our appointments, my court appearances, our social engagements. So now I need to figure out how to pencil in some "me" time and since I am feeling self-indulgent, some "Nick and Sara" time too. Our social worker agrees. She has even requested that Nick and I receive "respit" from Early Intervention. Time where they pay someone to watch our children so that we can get a break and get out of the house. We just need to find the person. The brave soul who wants to watch all three of them, for whatever hourly wage the county is paying.
Its so easy to get lost in this new life. To let go of everything that I like to do and want to do because I am needed by my kids, my disabled son, my husband, my job. So I think, I will pencil me in. And when we find out more about the "respit" situation, I will pencil us in. I will make and keep appointments for me and us to have time to do some of the things that we need to do for ourselves. I think its impossible to have balance otherwise and to feel like a human.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My babies are growing...
at an alarming rate. They are 6 months old now (6mo, 1wk) and its going too fast. Maybe I am panicking because these are quite possibly my last children. Not definitely, but after the last few years, its safe to say they are my last for a good while. And they are rushing things! I have been looking at them over the last few days and they are big. Not only are they big, but they are doing stuff. Just minutes ago, they would curl up on my chest and nap. They were warm and sweet and exhaustion took over their little bodies and they would sleep for hours on me. Now, we fight to get them to sleep. We rock, bop, dip and twist them into sleep. We negotiate. We take little hands out of little mouths and put pacifiers in to do just that, pacify them. And they no longer sit still. Even Owen (which honestly is good news, but still, can't someone stay a baby?). If I left Caleb on any piece of furniture, it would be gross negligence on my part. And just this morning, I took for granted that I could leave Owen and there he was trying to roll himself off the couch. They want to go somewhere. I want them to stay still. Or for time to stay still. Soon their toothless grins will be littered with little white teeth sprouting up. I love them without teeth. Never again will you find a toothless grin so endearing. The next time you see it on a person, they are generally fairly old and its not so cute. Same for drool. And I realize that this all makes me sad. Gavin is a couple months shy of 6 and it snuck up on me. How dare he grow up? And why is the natural progression of things such that children become less affectionate with time? Gavin loves me to death, but is annoyed when I want to hug for more than a split second. Although, this morning and some mornings when he crawls in bed with me after his dad gets up to shower, I pretend to sleep and he snuggles up like he is little and plays with my hair. If he knew I was awake, he wouldn't do it or would ask me to get up and get him something, so this works out well.
I love all the next stages that the babies will go through. I don't mean to say that I don't like teeth, or eating cheerios off of a high chair tray or those first steps. I love those too. But I wish time would take its time. I wish that I could guarantee all of these memories or moments would be imprinted on my brain.
I remember wishing I was older all my life. I couldn't wait to be a big kid and now I am watching my own kids feel that way. I hear my parents telling me to slow down, enjoy where you are now and I pressed on. I wish I could tell my boys that in hindsight, I wish I slowed down. Not for me, but for my parents who were probably wishing it wasn't going so fast.
I love all the next stages that the babies will go through. I don't mean to say that I don't like teeth, or eating cheerios off of a high chair tray or those first steps. I love those too. But I wish time would take its time. I wish that I could guarantee all of these memories or moments would be imprinted on my brain.
I remember wishing I was older all my life. I couldn't wait to be a big kid and now I am watching my own kids feel that way. I hear my parents telling me to slow down, enjoy where you are now and I pressed on. I wish I could tell my boys that in hindsight, I wish I slowed down. Not for me, but for my parents who were probably wishing it wasn't going so fast.
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